Srsly effed up

Will and Kelsey are camping with my parents. They left on Monday and will come back on Saturday. What I have asked myself since I got home on Monday night is wtf is wrong with me? I have no kids. I should be doing things that people that have no kids do. (What do people that have no kids do?) Instead, I find myself a little out of sorts.

Next Monday, I am going in for foot surgery. What this means it that I'm basically useless for two weeks. The first few days, I can't even go to the bathroom without help. It's srsly fun, ppl. So without the kids here to drive me fraking crazy entertain me with their cute children antics, I'm slowly driving myself crazy. Eight weeks of being laid up is not my idea of a good time. And although I'm not the biggest exercise advocate, that doesn't mean that I don't want to do it once in awhile. Instead I'll be sitting on my butt eating kettle chips and drinking gatorade, watching re-runs of Buffy while being doped up on pain pills.

Good times.

In addition to worry to the point of making myself physically ill, I've also decided to worry about whether Jack will actually stick around after my surgery when I'm as loopy as, well, a fruit loop. Even though he hung around two years ago when I had the same surgery, I keep flashing back to when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. He settled me on the couch with the doctor's warnings (don't leave the patient alone, she might walk out into traffic and get hit by a car) ringing in his ears, gave me the remote and went to play 18 holes of golf. After that, I decided to plan a spa day when I brought him home from getting his wisdom teeth pulled.

To top it all off, Jack got me at a weak point (read: drinking point) on Friday night when I was in Newport Beach. He asked me if I wanted to play softball b/c they needed an extra girl. He cajoled me with the fact that it will be the last time I'll be able to do anything for eight weeks. Being the happy person I am when I was drinking, I enthusiastically agreed that it would be great. I wouldn't even have to worry about the kids b/c they weren't home. Now I can only hope that when the forecasted thunderstorm hits, I'm not up to bat with a piece of metal in my hand while lightning strikes.

Just a little warning...any posts up over the next two weeks will be done while under the influence of pain medication. If it doesn't make sense, at least it will be entertaining.

Hangover Hell

Jack's brother came into town from Spokane last Thursday to visit for the weekend. He's newly single, so I talked to a friend from work about going out on Saturday night. We went to a comedy club, which I remember as being extremely funny. Idaho is only second to Utah when it comes the Mormon population. This joke cracked me up:

So as I said, I'm newly married. Of course, being Mormon, that means I'm still dating.

Okay, maybe you had to be there.

So then we went to this bar/club and after that we went to this other bar/club. We closed the place down. Srsly. Those who know me well know that I do not stay up until FOUR IN THE MORNING. Ever. I don't even stay up until 2am. Even when we go to my sister's house, I can't stay up that late. I just don't do it.

It was the beer. That's all I was drinking...beer. It must have been a whole hell of a lot of beer b/c I felt like shit yesterday. About 9 last night, I called Jack upstairs and told him that I didn't think it was a hangover, it had to be the stomach flu. I mean, I was having hot/cold flashes, I had a low grade fever, I felt like I was going to vomit all day long. All I had to eat was one piece of toast and two bites of oatmeal. It had to be the stomach flu.

::snort::

Jack wouldn't let me get away with that. It wasn't my blondness showing as much as it was the fact that I never get hangovers. Well, there was that one time at my Christmas party, but that was like 2 years ago.

There was no way I was telling the kids that "Mommy is sick, she needs quiet time" b/c that just reeks to me. So last night found the three of us laying in my bed watching Kelsey's favorite episode of Charmed.

The moral of the story is that I don't think I want to have a beer EVER AGAIN.

Why Microsoft should hire me

I have my Outlook setup to automatically check for spelling when I send it. Sometimes my little fingers just move faster than my brain. The spell check feature has saved me some embarrassment more than once.

I never really pay attention to what Microsoft considers a grammar error. This one I just had to share b/c it cracks me up.



So Microsoft, the reason you should hire me is that I got "Master of grammar" on a Facebook quiz. Heh.

Depression

I've been trying to articulate this post since last Tuesday.  For some reason, it just wasn't flowing.

 

I'm prone to depression and have been since I was a teenager.  Goth would have really suited me back in those days.  It would have really gone with my attitude.  Maybe that's why I tried so hard not to be like that.  As I got older, I hoped it would be something that I would grow out of.  Now I know that you can't "grow out of" depression. 

 

I have to try so damn hard to deep myself out of going into a bout of depression.  It's a constant struggle.  Though it's not something that I generally advertise, I'm on two anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications.  Two.  About a year ago, when I was only on one anti-depressant, I decided that it was time to start lowering my dose so I could eventually go off of them.  Not happening. 

 

Last Tuesday, I went into a major funk.  At this point, I couldn't even say why.  I just felt totally awful, inside and out.  When I have these bouts, I don't cry.  I just feel heavy.  That's the only way I can really describe it.  I feel like I can't talk to my husband about it when I feel like that.  It's not something that I can snap out of, which is usually what I would expect him to say.  So I called my mom.  She always makes me feel better.  She makes me think.  What's going on right at this moment that is making me feel bad?  I haven't been exercising regularly, we've been crazy busy getting the kids to/from soccer, I've been seriously stressed at work.  Somehow she forces me to take a look at things from the outside, which always helps.  I don't know what I would do without her.

 

About two weeks ago, I was working on this project at work.  There was a deadline and I was feeling pressure from all sides to get it done.  It made me so anxious and stressed out, I had to take xanax.  During the day.  I don't take xanax during the day, but I started feeling sick to my stomach and I started getting chest pains.  It felt like something was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe. 

 

Ever since then, I've been feeling these chest pains at least once a day.  I've ruled out acid reflux b/c it doesn't happen after I eat.  I srsly feel like I can't catch a freaking break.  As if depression and mild anxiety aren't enough, now I have to have anxiety/panic attacks?  The hardest part of all this is trying to keep it from touching my family when I'm home.  I don't want my mental problems rubbing off on my husband or kids.  It takes a lot of energy to put on the "I'm okay" front. 

 

Right at this moment, it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I have nothing very stressful going on at work.  Will and Kelsey cleaned their rooms yesterday.  The laundry is almost all done for the week.  Bill cleaned the shower yesterday.  Sure, it looks like the mailman threw up on our kitchen island, but that's relatively easy to clean up.  So why do I feel like this?  The fact that I can't answer that makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Tomorrow I work from home.  I'm already starting to worry about having a repeat of last Tuesday.  Maybe that's what's making me so stressed today.   

 

I can only hope that tomorrow is better than last Tuesday.

Letter to PETA

Dear Ingrid Newkirk,

Stop sending me emails asking for money. I know I should just unsubscribe to your newsletters, but there has been interesting news I've gotten, so I haven't done it yet. I just received your newsletter titled "Meet Dog #3017".

The impact of your newsletter was harsh until I read the inevitable sentence "Horrific and pointless experiments like these can be stopped, but only with your help. By making a tax-deductible donation today, you can help our work to prevent the suffering of animals like dog #3017, who right now face needless agony behind the closed doors of laboratories and other hideous places."

If I was a celebrity or some shit, I'd donate to PETA. For now, I'll stick with my local Humane Society. And that's only if I have money left over after paying all the bills that go along w/ having a family of four.

Thanks,

Casee

P.S. Do you condemn me b/c I'm not a vegan? I still eat animal products. Does that make me bad?

Day 11: 4/8/09

I just can not get through one day w/o pain.  Even if it's minor pain, it's pain.  Other than my back, my left knee is giving me problems and now my neck.  *sigh* 

 

Food for Wednesday, 4/8.

 

Breakfast: Strawberry protein shake

Snack: Kashi GoLean protein bar

Lunch: Cafeteria salad

Snack: Handful of salted almonds

Dinner: Cheese & crackers

 

Drinks: Coffee, water, G2.

 

Exercise for Wednesday, 4/8.

 

1 hour yoga class.

 

My knee was really annoying me, so I skipped the video.  I figured yoga might help.  It may have, but the jury is still out on that one.

 

Another thing I find is that the days that I go to the gym in the evening, I don't eat as much when I get home.  I'm just not that hungry.  I really have been worried that I'm not eating enough. 

 

I'm going to be trying on the bridesmaid dress this weekend.  Hopefully it will just fit better.  If I go down a size, I'll be in trouble b/c I'm already wearing the smallest size they have.  I don't want my mother-in-law to have a coronary since the wedding is next weekend.

 

 

Day 10: 4/7/09

I have been so tired during the day.  I'm getting plenty of sleep at night, so I can't figure out what's going on.

 

Food for Tuesday, 4/7.

 

Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios w/ Fat free milk

Lunch: Cheese, Crackers, and apple

Snack before gym: Chocolate peanut butter Kashi bar

Dinner after gym: Vegetable soup (which Kelsey correctly classified as "tasting like water")

Snack while watching Fringe: Kashi GoLean crunch cereal (dry)

 

Drinks: Coffee, G2, water, Diet Pepsi (bad me).

 

Exercise for Tuesday, 4/7.

 

AM: Level 2 30 Day Shred.

 

PM: 1 hr Spinning class.  Which kicked my ass...hard.