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Monday, May 11, 2009


I've been trying to articulate this post since last Tuesday.  For some reason, it just wasn't flowing.
I'm prone to depression and have been since I was a teenager.  Goth would have really suited me back in those days.  It would have really gone with my attitude.  Maybe that's why I tried so hard not to be like that.  As I got older, I hoped it would be something that I would grow out of.  Now I know that you can't "grow out of" depression. 
I have to try so damn hard to deep myself out of going into a bout of depression.  It's a constant struggle.  Though it's not something that I generally advertise, I'm on two anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications.  Two.  About a year ago, when I was only on one anti-depressant, I decided that it was time to start lowering my dose so I could eventually go off of them.  Not happening. 
Last Tuesday, I went into a major funk.  At this point, I couldn't even say why.  I just felt totally awful, inside and out.  When I have these bouts, I don't cry.  I just feel heavy.  That's the only way I can really describe it.  I feel like I can't talk to my husband about it when I feel like that.  It's not something that I can snap out of, which is usually what I would expect him to say.  So I called my mom.  She always makes me feel better.  She makes me think.  What's going on right at this moment that is making me feel bad?  I haven't been exercising regularly, we've been crazy busy getting the kids to/from soccer, I've been seriously stressed at work.  Somehow she forces me to take a look at things from the outside, which always helps.  I don't know what I would do without her.
About two weeks ago, I was working on this project at work.  There was a deadline and I was feeling pressure from all sides to get it done.  It made me so anxious and stressed out, I had to take xanax.  During the day.  I don't take xanax during the day, but I started feeling sick to my stomach and I started getting chest pains.  It felt like something was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe. 
Ever since then, I've been feeling these chest pains at least once a day.  I've ruled out acid reflux b/c it doesn't happen after I eat.  I srsly feel like I can't catch a freaking break.  As if depression and mild anxiety aren't enough, now I have to have anxiety/panic attacks?  The hardest part of all this is trying to keep it from touching my family when I'm home.  I don't want my mental problems rubbing off on my husband or kids.  It takes a lot of energy to put on the "I'm okay" front. 
Right at this moment, it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I have nothing very stressful going on at work.  Will and Kelsey cleaned their rooms yesterday.  The laundry is almost all done for the week.  Bill cleaned the shower yesterday.  Sure, it looks like the mailman threw up on our kitchen island, but that's relatively easy to clean up.  So why do I feel like this?  The fact that I can't answer that makes me sick to my stomach.
Tomorrow I work from home.  I'm already starting to worry about having a repeat of last Tuesday.  Maybe that's what's making me so stressed today.   
I can only hope that tomorrow is better than last Tuesday.


Jenni said...

I am thinking of you...know that you can always call me, day or night. I too have had anxiety in the last few months. I think our challenge in life is that we expect too much of ourselves...trying to be the best mom and perfect wife...well, guess what...we can not be that all of the time. We have moments, just like our children have moments - both good and bad. Do not beat yourself up over needing some help, physically and/or pharmacy.

Know that I love you and I admire the woman you are...including all of your moments!

Lori said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Casee. But what we all do is so hard. Jenni is right. We can't be everything to everybody, and that is like admitting the biggest defeat of them all. And we lose ourselves in the trying. I often feel as you do. So know that you aren't alone - and that all your friends are here for you!

Christine said...

(((Cassee))) I'm thinking of you and hoping you have brighter, lighter days around the corner.

I have a friend who suffers from depression and anxiety/panic attacks, so I empathize with the struggles you must be going through. Hang in there and don't hesitate to get the help you need whether it be a call to mom, a therapist, meds, or your online friends. We're rooting for you! =)

Casee said...

Sometimes it really helps to know that I'm not alone. Thank you guys for that.

Rowena said...


I hope that you're feeling much better now. I don't really have much experience with depression since my depression comes and go with the wind, never staying long enough to cause me any worry so I wouldn't know what to say to make you feel better other than I love you sweets and hope that you'll be okay.