Ads 468x60px

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Conquering a fear

Fair mind is very scattered today.

I had two anxiety attacks today.  We were at a bowling tournament for my son.  Unsurprisingly, there were an abundance of people.  Being shoulder to shoulder with strangers is stifling.  The fact that I am 5'2" doesn't help; not only are we wall-to-wall, everyone but the kids tower over me.  Some kids even do.  I held it together by focusing on my son, walking outside, and generally staying engaged with the parents.  I didn't think until just now that I made it through the anxiety/panic attack with no medication.  I just did it naturally.  I suppose that is what mom's do.

It was a few hours after we got home that I was hit with another anxiety attack.  This one was worse than the first, which was strange.  I got dizzy, couldn't get enough air, and started feeling claustrophobic in my own house.  That was a horrible feeling that got me really worked up.  My home is the only place that I have felt safe since the anxiety and panic attacks started.  Frankly, I don't leave the house alone.

In what seems like a past life, I was a runner.  Once I got into the routine, I was exercising 5-6 days a week. Now, going outside for a fraking walk is almost more than I can bear.  I guess the claustrophobia helped me today because I was so upset that I had to leave the house.  Alone.  I took a walk down the street to a little park we have in our subdivision.  All I wanted to do was sit in the sun (40 degrees or not) and soak it up.  I concentrated on my breathing and calmed down.  Some.

It can be strange what triggers certain thoughts.  Sitting on a bench in the sun, I looked down at my shoes.  White and black checkered Vans (one of my favorite pairs of shoes).  I started thinking that it feels like my life is like a checker board.  I'm at the beginning again.  It has been a year since I became unemployed and I haven't found my footing.  I don't know how to move to the middle of the board, let alone the other side.  I sat there until the sun went down and walked home.  When I got home, I realized something.

I was a conqueror today.   


Lori said...

Casee, you are a conqueror. You should be proud of yourself.

Holly said...

I love you, bitch.

Jenni Green said...

It takes great strength to conquer...I am proud of you. Not only for your solo walk down the street, but for writing again. Both are activities that heal you. be strong, my Sissy! I love you!