Fair warning...my mind is very scattered today.
I had two anxiety attacks today. We were at a bowling tournament for my son. Unsurprisingly, there were an abundance of people. Being shoulder to shoulder with strangers is stifling. The fact that I am 5'2" doesn't help; not only are we wall-to-wall, everyone but the kids tower over me. Some kids even do. I held it together by focusing on my son, walking outside, and generally staying engaged with the parents. I didn't think until just now that I made it through the anxiety/panic attack with no medication. I just did it naturally. I suppose that is what mom's do.
It was a few hours after we got home that I was hit with another anxiety attack. This one was worse than the first, which was strange. I got dizzy, couldn't get enough air, and started feeling claustrophobic in my own house. That was a horrible feeling that got me really worked up. My home is the only place that I have felt safe since the anxiety and panic attacks started. Frankly, I don't leave the house alone.
In what seems like a past life, I was a runner. Once I got into the routine, I was exercising 5-6 days a week. Now, going outside for a fraking walk is almost more than I can bear. I guess the claustrophobia helped me today because I was so upset that I had to leave the house. Alone. I took a walk down the street to a little park we have in our subdivision. All I wanted to do was sit in the sun (40 degrees or not) and soak it up. I concentrated on my breathing and calmed down. Some.
It can be strange what triggers certain thoughts. Sitting on a bench in the sun, I looked down at my shoes. White and black checkered Vans (one of my favorite pairs of shoes). I started thinking that it feels like my life is like a checker board. I'm at the beginning again. It has been a year since I became unemployed and I haven't found my footing. I don't know how to move to the middle of the board, let alone the other side. I sat there until the sun went down and walked home. When I got home, I realized something.
I was a conqueror today.