Conquering a fear

Fair warning...my mind is very scattered today.

I had two anxiety attacks today.  We were at a bowling tournament for my son.  Unsurprisingly, there were an abundance of people.  Being shoulder to shoulder with strangers is stifling.  The fact that I am 5'2" doesn't help; not only are we wall-to-wall, everyone but the kids tower over me.  Some kids even do.  I held it together by focusing on my son, walking outside, and generally staying engaged with the parents.  I didn't think until just now that I made it through the anxiety/panic attack with no medication.  I just did it naturally.  I suppose that is what mom's do.

It was a few hours after we got home that I was hit with another anxiety attack.  This one was worse than the first, which was strange.  I got dizzy, couldn't get enough air, and started feeling claustrophobic in my own house.  That was a horrible feeling that got me really worked up.  My home is the only place that I have felt safe since the anxiety and panic attacks started.  Frankly, I don't leave the house alone.

In what seems like a past life, I was a runner.  Once I got into the routine, I was exercising 5-6 days a week. Now, going outside for a fraking walk is almost more than I can bear.  I guess the claustrophobia helped me today because I was so upset that I had to leave the house.  Alone.  I took a walk down the street to a little park we have in our subdivision.  All I wanted to do was sit in the sun (40 degrees or not) and soak it up.  I concentrated on my breathing and calmed down.  Some.

It can be strange what triggers certain thoughts.  Sitting on a bench in the sun, I looked down at my shoes.  White and black checkered Vans (one of my favorite pairs of shoes).  I started thinking that it feels like my life is like a checker board.  I'm at the beginning again.  It has been a year since I became unemployed and I haven't found my footing.  I don't know how to move to the middle of the board, let alone the other side.  I sat there until the sun went down and walked home.  When I got home, I realized something.

I was a conqueror today.