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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The ups and downs

One of the hardest things for me are the ups and downs that depression leaves me with.  More days than not, the things I want to get done don't get done.  Every night when I go to sleep I think about what I want to do tomorrow.  I feel hope that tomorrow will be better than today.  Tomorrow isn't better than today, no matter how many times I tell myself it will be.

My favorite therapist told me not to think of today as failure.  Think of tomorrow as hopeful.

As a person with chronic depression, I have to think tomorrow will be better.  If I don't, what am I living for?  When I think that question to myself or aloud, it doesn't sound good, does it?  I've been told it sounds like I don't want to live anymore.  That is absolutely not the truth.  Questioning my purpose in life doesn't mean I don't want to live my life.

I want to be normal.  I don't want to be on medication.  I've tried going off my medication and it did not go well.  That was in 2007.  After much research and talking to professionals, I understand that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  After taking a psychology class, I understand the intricacies of the brain.  I still ask, why me?  How do I get myself out of this hole?

One of my biggest fears is that my kids will remember me as that mom.  The mom that was up and down.  Up and down. 

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