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Friday, February 8, 2013

A perpetual state of panic

I just updated my blog template and noticed that it's been over a year since the last time I posted on this blog. That's quite some time. It took me three months to decide if I wanted to use this blog or blog anonymously about what I have been doing and going through in that time. In the end I decided what the hell? I'm not looking for sympathy. It's more a diary (hence the MyDiary template) or forum to get my feelings out there. I've googled a lot and if anything I post helps one person, it's worth it. So this is my way of saying, here I am. Back on the world wide web. I'll start with a short beginning of my story.  

pan·ic /ňąpanik/ (n) Sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior. I have had a history of depression for as long as I can remember. I have had brief moments with anxiety, but nothing that an average person hasn't felt now and then. I have even felt panic; when I couldn't reach my kids from work, when we were in the emergency room. Situations like that. Anytime I felt panic it wasn't in relation to myself.

I didn't realize what I felt because after I lost my job on 2/14/12 (a memorable date), I turned myself into a recluse. Sure, I left the house. It was gradual, but it was less and less. Until when I did go out, I would have panic attacks. Hyperventilate. Get dizzy. My vision pinpoints so I can't see much of anything. So I stopped leaving the house. Except for going to the bus stop or school. I would make appointments only to cancel them even if it would cost me a $60 cancellation fee.

Having this happen to me was so embarrassing that I didn't know what to do at first. I tried to hide it, like a drug addict would hide their habit. I was ashamed and didn't even know where or who to go to for help. I felt like someone that went from being strong to someone being weak. Even though I have dealt with depression and been in therapy, I always had some sort of handle on it. I didn't have any sort of handle on this. I am getting a handle on it, but I don't go to the mall by myself. My panic attacks aren't as bad in general. As of this moment, I can be in larger crowds, but not for a large length of time. There has been progress, even since the beginning of the year.

If you have a bad week, think of the past month. Progress is just that.  Progress.

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