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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Coming out on the other side

As I've said many, many times, depression is a hard thing to live with.  It's something that will affect everyone around you; your family, your friends, even your co-workers.  In the times that you feel so bad that you wonder if you'll every feel normal again, you have to know that you will.  When that day comes, it's important to reflect that you have made it.  You made it.  You know it will come again, but that's not something that you need to think about now.  All you need to think about is that you feel like yourself again.

I feel like myself again.  I feel better than I have in a long time.  I've felt better for a couple of weeks, but it's something that I've held close as if I shared it I would have to give it away.  Sometimes I feel like it will just be gone in a second.  That is happening less and less as I just take one day at a time.  At times I take one minute at a time.  That's all I can do when I'm trying to get through something that feels unmanageable.  When I think about going through another bout of depression, it feels unmanageable so I don't let myself think about it.  Not this minute anyway.

There's no magic potion that I've taken to make it better.  Medication is definitely a portion of my "treatment", something that I have vowed to myself will on day be unnecessary.  I don't know if that's true, but for now I say it will be.  The biggest difference is my sleep cycle and exercise.  I am getting 7-9 hours of sleep per night.  No more, no less.  I wake up within the same two hours (5:30-7:30am) everyday.  Even the weekends.  Yes, it can suck but it makes a huge difference.  With the help of a friend, I have taken up a half-marathon training schedule.  I'm running 3x a week and cross training 3x a week.  In addition to the weight loss (10lbs!!!!), the energy I feel is freaking amazing.  While I haven't felt the runners high (someday I hope), I don't want to give up what I feel when I get back from a run.  The feeling of accomplishment is something I can't quite explain. 

My life isn't perfect and it's not easy.  I've worked hard to get from where I was in May to where I am now.  I feel 100% different.  I just want people to know that it will get better.  Don't give up hope.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Why some drivers just peeve me off

Stupid drivers are something I have no tolerance for.  I had no idea that Idaho is littered with stupid drivers when we moved here.  Until our latest weekend to Portland, I had no idea that my own husband of ten years fell into the category of an Idaho driver.  We've been taking road trips for years, so I can't even say why it's only now that I'm noticing.  It may be because I can read less in the car when I'm a passenger--which really bums me out.  What I do know is that I might just have to get in the back with the kids with my own set of headphones next time.

There are several specific things that I remember learning when I was in drivers ed.

  • Merge on the freeway traveling at the speed of traffic.
  • Slower traffic KEEP RIGHT.
  • Do not swerve for small animals, as much as it pains you not to do so.
Those are just the ones that I remember with crystal clarity.  At first I didn't think they taught these fine rules of driving here in Idaho.  They do.  What they must add on (this is the only explanation I can come up with) is that these rules only apply OUTSIDE the state of Idaho.  The Oregon state line is about 80 miles west of where we live.  When traveling to Portland, I am always shocked as shit when the people that won't move the fuck out of my way when I'm driving to work, immediately yield the fast lane.  What is that all about?  I'm just as dumbfounded on the way home when the same fucking people slow down and don't move over when we cross back over into Idaho.  I'm not exaggerating either.  I've made it my mission in life to notice the sheer lack of intelligence in these drivers.

One thing that a group of Idaho drivers can do while traveling at the speed of approx. 60mph on the freeway is completely stop it because...there was an ambulance, firetruck, [insert emergency vehicle] going the OPPOSITE way.  Because you know that the cop is going to jump the center (concrete) divide and come and getcha.  Due to poor road planning, he sure as hell can't get off the nearest exit since it's ten damn miles away!!

The fear that Idaho has of cops would be hysterical if it didn't affect me on a daily basis.  Little did I know how much it really did affect me.  I'm outing you, Bill.  While driving home, he saw a cop on the other side of the freeway and he SLOWED DOWN.  The cop was traveling the opposite way.  Now I have to admit that he did have a bad ticket experience, but that was in Los Angeles for crying out loud.  Not only that, but as soon as we got into Idaho, what did he do (or in this case didn't do)?  Yield the fast lane.  Tsk tsk.

Since I'll never be a driver's ed teacher, the next best thing is to educate by blog. 

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Spare change?

After ten years of marriage, Bill and I have finally gone on a budget.  An honest to God, real budget.  We have a spreadsheet.  We have envelopes with cash.  We don't use our atm cards.  We've cut up our credit cards.  It's hardcore, people.  If I go to the grocery store with a $100 and it rings up to $105, I will put back $5 worth of stuff.  That hasn't happened yet, but I imagine that's what I would do.

Bill and I each get an "allowance", if you will.  A certain amount of money (me for books, him for golf) that covers our weekly expenses.  Over the course of the last four weeks, I have found that I do not like spending my money.  I wouldn't even call myself frugal.  I am effing cheap!  When my mom asks me out to lunch, I hesitate now.  I mentally add how much money I have in my wallet and how much I would have left if I spent $X amount.  It's kind of a joke now.  I raid the change jar for soda money.  Bill generously offers to use $5 of his money to send Kelsey on a field trip.  I say take it out of the grocery money. 

This really is something that I didn't know about myself.  What's interesting to me is what a difference it makes when you have cash instead of an atm or credit card. I really never thought twice about swiping my atm card.  Now, breaking a $20 is something that I need days to consider.

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