Happy Birthday, Bill

Dear Bill,

You are so sensitive about turning 30. I am sure it has something to do with me have no idea why. To mark this very special occasion, I'm going to take the time to tell you 30 things I love about you.

1. You make me laugh.
2. You pull out every gray hair you find.
3. You're a clothes whore and won't admit it.
4. You watch The Colony.
5. You want to visit a pawn shop in Vegas that you've seen on the History channel.
6. You watch Man Woman Wild with Kelsey every Saturday morning.
7. You kiss me every time I walk in the door.
8. You kiss me goodnight even when I'm sleeping.
9. You love Molly even though you hate cats.
10. You play two square in the driveway.
11. You get as excited as me when you find a foot long zucchini in the garden.
12. You coach a soccer team of ten 6-8 year old girls and don't complain. Much.
13. You can always find the good in a situation.
14. You're ambitious at work.
15. You support me when I worry about being bi-polar.
16. You eat soy crumbles and try to pretend it's ground beef.
17. You talk about the Cold War and Cuba with Will and don't lose your patience.
18. You encourage Will to be a chef even though you would love for him to play football.
19. You challenged me to make a goal--which led to a half marathon (that I haven't done) (and also led to an injury).
20. You want to get travelers checks for Las Vegas (so cute).
21. You let me take your phone upgrade so I could get the Droid I've been wanting for what seems like forever.
22. You've been paying attention to my moods and asking me what's wrong when you notice something is off.
23. You take just as long to get yourself through security at the airport as I take to get the kids and myself through (this is only amusing after the fact).
24. You didn't bat an eye when my family moved to Boise right after we did.
25. You put up with love my brother like he's your brother.
26. You managed to grow up and not turn out like Alan (sorry if you're reading this Alan).
27. You'll let me get another dog if I want one.
28. You watch iCarly and like it.
29. You help with the laundry.
30. You love me despite all my faults.

We are going to have a great time celebrating your 30th, Bill. It's going to be a weekend that we're not going to let you forget.

I love you.

xoxo
Your Wife

Will's Journey: Part I

I've always known that Will was special.  Not like in the way that a parent believes their child is special.  No, I've always thought that Will was "change the world" special.  Okay, maybe not that special, but special nonetheless.  When everything started declining in his fourth grade year, I pulled up my big girl mommy panties and told Will the way it was going to be.  The way it was going to be was that he was going to do what I said.  The only thing that he didn't have to do was have a smile on his face while doing it.  Imagine my surprise when my angel turned into a devil.  Homework sessions that should be fifteen minutes turned into two hours.  There was homework missing, lying, crying.  It wasn't a simple case of laziness.  That's what I contributed it to at first.  That's why it wasn't until May that the light bulb went off.  Lets get Will tested for ADD. 

By the time we got the testing started, it was already mid-July.  Not exactly an ideal time for testing when most of his problems stem from being in school.  After I discussed my concerns with the psychologist, I was convinced that it wouldn't matter enough to change the result.  Will either had ADD or he didn't.  I didn't tell anyone about the testing except for my sister and my best friend.  I wasn't one of those mom's that was looking to throw medication at a problem.  Will was not (and is not) a problem to me.  I felt that there was a problem that needed to be addressed before it was out of my control. 

We got the official results on September 1st.  Will has ADHD (inattentive type).  They don't differentiate with ADHD and ADD anymore.  They clarify with inattentive or hyperactive.  Will is by no means hyperactive.  That is laughable and anyone that knows Will is probably smiling at the thought.  It changed everything and nothing for our family.  It changed everything because Will has to try harder.  I have to work harder to make sure I'm attentive to his needs.  If he needs help, I have to see it almost before he does.  I walked out of the office that day and I was in tears before I got to my car.  All I kept thinking was of how hard it was going to be.  I kept forgetting that it might have been hard with a kid within the normal boundaries of ADHD.  Will isn't normal.  He's special.  We've already had our ups and downs.  We'll continue to have them.  I still cry, but it's less now.

Will wasn't with us on September 1st.  We took him back the following week so the psychologist could explain the results to him.  When it was explained to him, he said "I already know that homework is hard for me".  All that was missing was a "duh" at the end of his sentence.

I love that kid.

Coming out on the other side

As I've said many, many times, depression is a hard thing to live with.  It's something that will affect everyone around you; your family, your friends, even your co-workers.  In the times that you feel so bad that you wonder if you'll every feel normal again, you have to know that you will.  When that day comes, it's important to reflect that you have made it.  You made it.  You know it will come again, but that's not something that you need to think about now.  All you need to think about is that you feel like yourself again.

I feel like myself again.  I feel better than I have in a long time.  I've felt better for a couple of weeks, but it's something that I've held close as if I shared it I would have to give it away.  Sometimes I feel like it will just be gone in a second.  That is happening less and less as I just take one day at a time.  At times I take one minute at a time.  That's all I can do when I'm trying to get through something that feels unmanageable.  When I think about going through another bout of depression, it feels unmanageable so I don't let myself think about it.  Not this minute anyway.

There's no magic potion that I've taken to make it better.  Medication is definitely a portion of my "treatment", something that I have vowed to myself will on day be unnecessary.  I don't know if that's true, but for now I say it will be.  The biggest difference is my sleep cycle and exercise.  I am getting 7-9 hours of sleep per night.  No more, no less.  I wake up within the same two hours (5:30-7:30am) everyday.  Even the weekends.  Yes, it can suck but it makes a huge difference.  With the help of a friend, I have taken up a half-marathon training schedule.  I'm running 3x a week and cross training 3x a week.  In addition to the weight loss (10lbs!!!!), the energy I feel is freaking amazing.  While I haven't felt the runners high (someday I hope), I don't want to give up what I feel when I get back from a run.  The feeling of accomplishment is something I can't quite explain. 

My life isn't perfect and it's not easy.  I've worked hard to get from where I was in May to where I am now.  I feel 100% different.  I just want people to know that it will get better.  Don't give up hope.

Why some drivers just peeve me off

Stupid drivers are something I have no tolerance for.  I had no idea that Idaho is littered with stupid drivers when we moved here.  Until our latest weekend to Portland, I had no idea that my own husband of ten years fell into the category of an Idaho driver.  We've been taking road trips for years, so I can't even say why it's only now that I'm noticing.  It may be because I can read less in the car when I'm a passenger--which really bums me out.  What I do know is that I might just have to get in the back with the kids with my own set of headphones next time.

There are several specific things that I remember learning when I was in drivers ed.

• Merge on the freeway traveling at the speed of traffic.
• Slower traffic KEEP RIGHT.
• Do not swerve for small animals, as much as it pains you not to do so.

Those are just the ones that I remember with crystal clarity.  At first I didn't think they taught these fine rules of driving here in Idaho.  They do.  What they must add on (this is the only explanation I can come up with) is that these rules only apply OUTSIDE the state of Idaho.  The Oregon state line is about 80 miles west of where we live.  When traveling to Portland, I am always shocked as shit when the people that won't move the fuck out of my way when I'm driving to work, immediately yield the fast lane.  What is that all about?  I'm just as dumbfounded on the way home when the same fucking people slow down and don't move over when we cross back over into Idaho.  I'm not exaggerating either.  I've made it my mission in life to notice the sheer lack of intelligence in these drivers.

One thing that a group of Idaho drivers can do while traveling at the speed of approx. 60mph on the freeway is completely stop it because...there was an ambulance, firetruck, [insert emergency vehicle] going the OPPOSITE way.  Because you know that the cop is going to jump the center (concrete) divide and come and getcha.  Due to poor road planning, he sure as hell can't get off the nearest exit since it's ten damn miles away!!

The fear that Idaho has of cops would be hysterical if it didn't affect me on a daily basis.  Little did I know how much it really did affect me.  I'm outing you, Bill.  While driving home, he saw a cop on the other side of the freeway and he SLOWED DOWN.  The cop was traveling the opposite way.  Now I have to admit that he did have a bad ticket experience, but that was in Los Angeles for crying out loud.  Not only that, but as soon as we got into Idaho, what did he do (or in this case didn't do)?  Yield the fast lane.  Tsk tsk.

Since I'll never be a driver's ed teacher, the next best thing is to educate by blog. 

Spare change?

After ten years of marriage, Bill and I have finally gone on a budget.  An honest to God, real budget.  We have a spreadsheet.  We have envelopes with cash.  We don't use our atm cards.  We've cut up our credit cards.  It's hardcore, people.  If I go to the grocery store with a $100 and it rings up to $105, I will put back $5 worth of stuff.  That hasn't happened yet, but I imagine that's what I would do.

Bill and I each get an "allowance", if you will.  A certain amount of money (me for books, him for golf) that covers our weekly expenses.  Over the course of the last four weeks, I have found that I do not like spending my money.  I wouldn't even call myself frugal.  I am effing cheap!  When my mom asks me out to lunch, I hesitate now.  I mentally add how much money I have in my wallet and how much I would have left if I spent $X amount.  It's kind of a joke now.  I raid the change jar for soda money.  Bill generously offers to use $5 of his money to send Kelsey on a field trip.  I say take it out of the grocery money. 

This really is something that I didn't know about myself.  What's interesting to me is what a difference it makes when you have cash instead of an atm or credit card. I really never thought twice about swiping my atm card.  Now, breaking a $20 is something that I need days to consider.

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Depression Sux

I still remember the day that I was told that I was depressed.  I looked at the therapist and gave him a look that said he was crazy, yo.  I didn't have thoughts of suicide, I didn't have crying jags, I wasn't sad.  That was also the day that I finally realized that depression comes in many forms.  Mine comes in the form of exhaustion.  When I get depressed, I am exhausted all.the.time.  Not tired; exhausted.  It feels like I've been working for five days straight without taking a break. It is most annoying, especially b/c I am able to recognize it for what is is.  It makes me want to punch something.  Right now I would like to punch a whole in the wall of my cubicle.

I took Will and Kelsey to visit my sister this past weekend.  We drove to the Oregon coast (hello freaking COLD and nothing like the CA coast) and talked which makes me wish that I could see her every day (what can I say? I'm not a phone person).  She really helps me look at things from a different perspective.  After I spend time with her, I tend to re-evaluate.  I also envy her.  It's not b/c she gets to go to Hawaii twice this year (I'll be there in spirit).  It's not b/c she gets to be a stay-at-home mom (someday, when Will & Kelsey are teenagers I'll be a great SAHM).  There are many reasons I'm not envious.  The reason I am is b/c she is happy and I can see it every time I see her.  My sister is a natural born caretaker, the quintessential SAHM.  If she wasn't my sister, I would still love visiting her b/c she always has things that she knows I like.  Whether it be wine, or shampoo, or my own pink loofah waiting for me on the bed.  The place she is right now it life is hard won, something that can be said for almost everyone that is really and truly happy. 

What I want to know is how do I get to that point?

Because I'm such a glass-half-empty type of person, I try VERY hard not to concentrate on the negative.  Today, at this very moment in time, I'm having a really hard time with that.  I could write a list of twenty things that are depressing me right now.  There is one good thing, but it's hardly worth mentioning and it makes me sound like a god-awful mother.  I am in a depressive funk and it's really fucked. 

Letter to my husband

Dear Bill,

Now that I can be pretty sure I'm not going to die of internal bleeding after my wreck on Saturday, I feel that it's safe to tell you that you were right.  Even if my spleen didn't rupture like I was sure it was going to, you still would have been right.  It's not that I would rather have had a chest protector than the bracelet you got me for my birthday.  No, I'm talking about your instance that I wear a helmet.  I have to admit that most of the time when I complain about wearing it, I'm giving you a hard time.  I'm glad you insisted even though it's likely I would have worn it anyway. 

In the future--and we both know that there will be a future incident--please don't shake me if I'm laying still on the ground.  Haven't you watched Grey's Anatomy?  ER?  Never move the victim (or in this case: rider)...his/her my neck could have been broken.  Also, please give my bruises the respect they deserve.  You are right, they are like war wounds.  Do something original like Kelsey.  Every time I show her, she screams and covers her eyes. 

Love,
Casee

P.S. Casee: 1 Tree: 0