I never envisioned being a single parent. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that it's only parenting single, not financially single. Still, it begs the question that's been circling my mind, how the hell do you single working mom's do it? How do you get through the day with enough left for your kids? With enough left for yourself? Not like you can think much about yourself because by the time you actually have time to do that, all you want to do is hit the pillow. Or that's all I want to do.
"When it rains, it pours."
That saying seems to have always applied to my life in some aspect. Not one thing can go wrong at a time. No, I'm not that lucky. It's always multiple things at once. At this point, I would be thrilled with "bad things come in threes". Yeah, that train has left the station. I think it's in Maine right now. I ask myself if I'm cursed. I ask myself if I'm just that unlucky. I ask myself why the fuck I can't get a break. Do I make these things happen? I'm clear on the last answer to that. It's hell fucking no.
I'm going to tell you a story about a nine year old girl name Kelsey. Many of you know and love her. I would die for her. Though maybe in this particular story I shouldn't use the word die.
Things had been going
On Sunday I got a
Forget the drink, after that I needed to check myself into the psych ward.
It's been touch and go since then. We've been to see her counselor and psychiatrist. The counselor really got her to open up which was great. What might be one of the worst moments of my life was when the counselor asked, "Kelsey, have you felt like you haven't wanted to be alive before?" and she whispered in this tiny little un-Kelsey like voice, "Yes."
Which leads me to the conclusion. I'm a fucking failure. Or maybe I feel like a failure. All I know is that my nine year old daughter is having thoughts and feelings that no girl (or boy) her age should. So where have I gone wrong? What have I done? What haven't I done?