Depression Sux

I still remember the day that I was told that I was depressed.  I looked at the therapist and gave him a look that said he was crazy, yo.  I didn't have thoughts of suicide, I didn't have crying jags, I wasn't sad.  That was also the day that I finally realized that depression comes in many forms.  Mine comes in the form of exhaustion.  When I get depressed, I am exhausted all.the.time.  Not tired; exhausted.  It feels like I've been working for five days straight without taking a break. It is most annoying, especially b/c I am able to recognize it for what is is.  It makes me want to punch something.  Right now I would like to punch a whole in the wall of my cubicle.

I took Will and Kelsey to visit my sister this past weekend.  We drove to the Oregon coast (hello freaking COLD and nothing like the CA coast) and talked which makes me wish that I could see her every day (what can I say? I'm not a phone person).  She really helps me look at things from a different perspective.  After I spend time with her, I tend to re-evaluate.  I also envy her.  It's not b/c she gets to go to Hawaii twice this year (I'll be there in spirit).  It's not b/c she gets to be a stay-at-home mom (someday, when Will & Kelsey are teenagers I'll be a great SAHM).  There are many reasons I'm not envious.  The reason I am is b/c she is happy and I can see it every time I see her.  My sister is a natural born caretaker, the quintessential SAHM.  If she wasn't my sister, I would still love visiting her b/c she always has things that she knows I like.  Whether it be wine, or shampoo, or my own pink loofah waiting for me on the bed.  The place she is right now it life is hard won, something that can be said for almost everyone that is really and truly happy. 

What I want to know is how do I get to that point?

Because I'm such a glass-half-empty type of person, I try VERY hard not to concentrate on the negative.  Today, at this very moment in time, I'm having a really hard time with that.  I could write a list of twenty things that are depressing me right now.  There is one good thing, but it's hardly worth mentioning and it makes me sound like a god-awful mother.  I am in a depressive funk and it's really fucked. 

Letter to my husband

Dear Bill,

Now that I can be pretty sure I'm not going to die of internal bleeding after my wreck on Saturday, I feel that it's safe to tell you that you were right.  Even if my spleen didn't rupture like I was sure it was going to, you still would have been right.  It's not that I would rather have had a chest protector than the bracelet you got me for my birthday.  No, I'm talking about your instance that I wear a helmet.  I have to admit that most of the time when I complain about wearing it, I'm giving you a hard time.  I'm glad you insisted even though it's likely I would have worn it anyway. 

In the future--and we both know that there will be a future incident--please don't shake me if I'm laying still on the ground.  Haven't you watched Grey's Anatomy?  ER?  Never move the victim (or in this case: rider)...his/her my neck could have been broken.  Also, please give my bruises the respect they deserve.  You are right, they are like war wounds.  Do something original like Kelsey.  Every time I show her, she screams and covers her eyes. 

Love,
Casee

P.S. Casee: 1 Tree: 0