Srsly

The trials of single parenting

2011-08-29T13:44:00.000-06:00

I wrote this post several weeks ago. I've gone back and forth on whether to post it., Eventually I decided to share it because writing is what I do and many of my friends aren't people that I can just go across the street and knock on her door (you know who you are). Most of you have known Kelsey, in one way or another, since she was a teeny-weeny little baby. That's what decided me. I need you.

I never envisioned being a single parent. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that it's only parenting single, not financially single. Still, it begs the question that's been circling my mind, how the hell do you single working mom's do it? How do you get through the day with enough left for your kids? With enough left for yourself? Not like you can think much about yourself because by the time you actually have time to do that, all you want to do is hit the pillow. Or that's all I want to do.

"When it rains, it pours."

That saying seems to have always applied to my life in some aspect. Not one thing can go wrong at a time. No, I'm not that lucky. It's always multiple things at once. At this point, I would be thrilled with "bad things come in threes". Yeah, that train has left the station. I think it's in Maine right now. I ask myself if I'm cursed. I ask myself if I'm just that unlucky. I ask myself why the fuck I can't get a break. Do I make these things happen? I'm clear on the last answer to that. It's hell fucking no.

I'm going to tell you a story about a nine year old girl name Kelsey. Many of you know and love her. I would die for her. Though maybe in this particular story I shouldn't use the word die.

Things had been going ~~swimmingly~~ as well as could be considering the circumstances. Kelsey was acting out more than usual, but that was to be expected. What was unexpected was her regression to the behavior she began showing around age 4. The hair pulling (pulling her own hair out of her head). The rages (not temper tantrums) that can last up to an hour. The hitting of herself with her own hand. The scratches she would inflict on herself. When that behavior started showing again, I was alarmed. Reasonably so. Kelsey is a 9 year old girl that, while somewhat explosive, knows how to expressive her feelings in a more appropriate manner. She also knows that those behaviors do nothing for her. Back into counseling for her. I am hyper-vigilant about both my kids behavior, especially at this time in our lives.

On Sunday I got a ~~little~~ nuclear bomb dropped on me when I found out that Kelsey said she didn't want to live. As in she wanted to die. As in she wanted to kill herself. A nine year old girl. My nine year old baby thought her life was so bad for one moment in time that she didn't want to be there anymore. I fucking freaked. Put that in with her recent behavior and I damn well took it seriously. I never imagined that I would be going through either of my kids rooms taking out pencils, scissors, anything sharp, belts, headphones, anything heavy, etc. I cried while I was doing it and she cried watching me. All that while I kept having to tell her that I wasn't mad. It's my job to protect her. It's my job to make sure she's safe. I had to tell her that over and over again. She wasn't in trouble.

Forget the drink, after that I needed to check myself into the psych ward.

It's been touch and go since then. We've been to see her counselor and psychiatrist. The counselor really got her to open up which was great. What might be one of the worst moments of my life was when the counselor asked, "Kelsey, have you felt like you haven't wanted to be alive before?" and she whispered in this tiny little un-Kelsey like voice, "Yes."

Which leads me to the conclusion. I'm a fucking failure. Or maybe I feel like a failure. All I know is that my nine year old daughter is having thoughts and feelings that no girl (or boy) her age should. So where have I gone wrong? What have I done? What haven't I done?

Happy Birthday, Bill

2010-10-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Bill,

You are so sensitive about turning 30. I ~~am sure it has something to do with me~~ have no idea why. To mark this very special occasion, I'm going to take the time to tell you 30 things I love about you.

1. You make me laugh.
2. You pull out every gray hair you find.
3. You're a clothes whore and won't admit it.
4. You watch The Colony.
5. You want to visit a pawn shop in Vegas that you've seen on the History channel.
6. You watch Man Woman Wild with Kelsey every Saturday morning.
7. You kiss me every time I walk in the door.
8. You kiss me goodnight even when I'm sleeping.
9. You love Molly even though you hate cats.
10. You play two square in the driveway.
11. You get as excited as me when you find a foot long zucchini in the garden.
12. You coach a soccer team of ten 6-8 year old girls and don't complain. Much.
13. You can always find the good in a situation.
14. You're ambitious at work.
15. You support me when I worry about being bi-polar.
16. You eat soy crumbles and try to pretend it's ground beef.
17. You talk about the Cold War and Cuba with Will and don't lose your patience.
18. You encourage Will to be a chef even though you would love for him to play football.
19. You challenged me to make a goal--which led to a half marathon (that I haven't done) (and also led to an injury).
20. You want to get travelers checks for Las Vegas (so cute).
21. You let me take your phone upgrade so I could get the Droid I've been wanting for what seems like forever.
22. You've been paying attention to my moods and asking me what's wrong when you notice something is off.
23. You take just as long to get yourself through security at the airport as I take to get the kids and myself through (this is only amusing after the fact).
24. You didn't bat an eye when my family moved to Boise right after we did.
25. You ~~put up with~~ love my brother like he's your brother.
26. You managed to grow up and not turn out like Alan (sorry if you're reading this Alan).
27. You'll let me get another dog if I want one.
28. You watch iCarly and like it.
29. You help with the laundry.
30. You love me despite all my faults.

We are going to have a great time celebrating your 30th, Bill. It's going to be a weekend that we're not going to let you forget.

I love you.

xoxo
Your Wife

Will's Journey: Part I

2010-09-29T08:47:00.001-06:00

I've always known that Will was special. Not like in the way that a parent believes their child is special. No, I've always thought that Will was "change the world" special. Okay, maybe not that special, but special nonetheless. When everything started declining in his fourth grade year, I pulled up my big girl mommy panties and told Will the way it was going to be. The way it was going to be was that he was going to do what I said. The only thing that he didn't have to do was have a smile on his face while doing it. Imagine my surprise when my angel turned into a devil. Homework sessions that should be fifteen minutes turned into two hours. There was homework missing, lying, crying. It wasn't a simple case of laziness. That's what I contributed it to at first. That's why it wasn't until May that the light bulb went off. Lets get Will tested for ADD.

By the time we got the testing started, it was already mid-July. Not exactly an ideal time for testing when most of his problems stem from being in school. After I discussed my concerns with the psychologist, I was convinced that it wouldn't matter enough to change the result. Will either had ADD or he didn't. I didn't tell anyone about the testing except for my sister and my best friend. I wasn't one of those mom's that was looking to throw medication at a problem. Will was not (and is not) a problem to me. I felt that there was a problem that needed to be addressed before it was out of my control.

We got the official results on September 1st. Will has ADHD (inattentive type). They don't differentiate with ADHD and ADD anymore. They clarify with inattentive or hyperactive. Will is by no means hyperactive. That is laughable and anyone that knows Will is probably smiling at the thought. It changed everything and nothing for our family. It changed everything because Will has to try harder. I have to work harder to make sure I'm attentive to his needs. If he needs help, I have to see it almost before he does. I walked out of the office that day and I was in tears before I got to my car. All I kept thinking was of how hard it was going to be. I kept forgetting that it might have been hard with a kid within the normal boundaries of ADHD. Will isn't normal. He's special. We've already had our ups and downs. We'll continue to have them. I still cry, but it's less now.

Will wasn't with us on September 1st. We took him back the following week so the psychologist could explain the results to him. When it was explained to him, he said "I already know that homework is hard for me". All that was missing was a "duh" at the end of his sentence.

I love that kid.

Coming out on the other side

2010-07-28T12:02:00.001-06:00

As I've said many, many times, depression is a hard thing to live with. It's something that will affect everyone around you; your family, your friends, even your co-workers. In the times that you feel so bad that you wonder if you'll every feel normal again, you have to know that you will. When that day comes, it's important to reflect that you have made it. You made it. You know it will come again, but that's not something that you need to think about now. All you need to think about is that you feel like yourself again.

I feel like myself again. I feel better than I have in a long time. I've felt better for a couple of weeks, but it's something that I've held close as if I shared it I would have to give it away. Sometimes I feel like it will just be gone in a second. That is happening less and less as I just take one day at a time. At times I take one minute at a time. That's all I can do when I'm trying to get through something that feels unmanageable. When I think about going through another bout of depression, it feels unmanageable so I don't let myself think about it. Not this minute anyway.

There's no magic potion that I've taken to make it better. Medication is definitely a portion of my "treatment", something that I have vowed to myself will on day be unnecessary. I don't know if that's true, but for now I say it will be. The biggest difference is my sleep cycle and exercise. I am getting 7-9 hours of sleep per night. No more, no less. I wake up within the same two hours (5:30-7:30am) everyday. Even the weekends. Yes, it can suck but it makes a huge difference. With the help of a friend, I have taken up a half-marathon training schedule. I'm running 3x a week and cross training 3x a week. In addition to the weight loss (10lbs!!!!), the energy I feel is freaking amazing. While I haven't felt the runners high (someday I hope), I don't want to give up what I feel when I get back from a run. The feeling of accomplishment is something I can't quite explain.

My life isn't perfect and it's not easy. I've worked hard to get from where I was in May to where I am now. I feel 100% different. I just want people to know that it will get better. Don't give up hope.

Why some drivers just peeve me off

2010-07-20T16:00:00.001-06:00

Stupid drivers are something I have no tolerance for. I had no idea that Idaho is littered with stupid drivers when we moved here. Until our latest weekend to Portland, I had no idea that my own husband of ten years fell into the category of an Idaho driver. We've been taking road trips for years, so I can't even say why it's only now that I'm noticing. It may be because I can read less in the car when I'm a passenger--which really bums me out. What I do know is that I might just have to get in the back with the kids with my own set of headphones next time.

There are several specific things that I remember learning when I was in drivers ed.

Merge on the freeway traveling at the speed of traffic.
Slower traffic KEEP RIGHT.
Do not swerve for small animals, as much as it pains you not to do so.

Those are just the ones that I remember with crystal clarity. At first I didn't think they taught these fine rules of driving here in Idaho. They do. What they must add on (this is the only explanation I can come up with) is that these rules only apply OUTSIDE the state of Idaho. The Oregon state line is about 80 miles west of where we live. When traveling to Portland, I am always shocked as shit when the people that won't move the fuck out of my way when I'm driving to work, immediately yield the fast lane. What is that all about? I'm just as dumbfounded on the way home when the same fucking people slow down and don't move over when we cross back over into Idaho. I'm not exaggerating either. I've made it my mission in life to notice the sheer lack of intelligence in these drivers.

One thing that a group of Idaho drivers can do while traveling at the speed of approx. 60mph on the freeway is completely stop it because...there was an ambulance, firetruck, [insert emergency vehicle] going the OPPOSITE way. Because you know that the cop is going to jump the center (concrete) divide and come and getcha. Due to poor road planning, he sure as hell can't get off the nearest exit since it's ten damn miles away!!

The fear that Idaho has of cops would be hysterical if it didn't affect me on a daily basis. Little did I know how much it really did affect me. I'm outing you, Bill. While driving home, he saw a cop on the other side of the freeway and he SLOWED DOWN. The cop was traveling the opposite way. Now I have to admit that he did have a bad ticket experience, but that was in Los Angeles for crying out loud. Not only that, but as soon as we got into Idaho, what did he do (or in this case didn't do)? Yield the fast lane. Tsk tsk.

Since I'll never be a driver's ed teacher, the next best thing is to educate by blog.

Spare change?

2010-07-08T17:30:00.000-06:00

After ten years of marriage, Bill and I have finally gone on a budget. An honest to God, real budget. We have a spreadsheet. We have envelopes with cash. We don't use our atm cards. We've cut up our credit cards. It's hardcore, people. If I go to the grocery store with a $100 and it rings up to $105, I will put back $5 worth of stuff. That hasn't happened yet, but I imagine that's what I would do.

Bill and I each get an "allowance", if you will. A certain amount of money (me for books, him for golf) that covers our weekly expenses. Over the course of the last four weeks, I have found that I do not like spending my money. I wouldn't even call myself frugal. I am effing cheap! When my mom asks me out to lunch, I hesitate now. I mentally add how much money I have in my wallet and how much I would have left if I spent $X amount. It's kind of a joke now. I raid the change jar for soda money. Bill generously offers to use $5 of his money to send Kelsey on a field trip. I say take it out of the grocery money.

This really is something that I didn't know about myself. What's interesting to me is what a difference it makes when you have cash instead of an atm or credit card. I really never thought twice about swiping my atm card. Now, breaking a $20 is something that I need days to consider.

I take donations via Paypal.

Depression Sux

2010-06-15T14:39:00.001-06:00

I still remember the day that I was told that I was depressed. I looked at the therapist and gave him a look that said he was crazy, yo. I didn't have thoughts of suicide, I didn't have crying jags, I wasn't sad. That was also the day that I finally realized that depression comes in many forms. Mine comes in the form of exhaustion. When I get depressed, I am exhausted all.the.time. Not tired; exhausted. It feels like I've been working for five days straight without taking a break. It is most annoying, especially b/c I am able to recognize it for what is is. It makes me want to punch something. Right now I would like to punch a whole in the wall of my cubicle.

I took Will and Kelsey to visit my sister this past weekend. We drove to the Oregon coast (hello freaking COLD and nothing like the CA coast) and talked which makes me wish that I could see her every day (what can I say? I'm not a phone person). She really helps me look at things from a different perspective. After I spend time with her, I tend to re-evaluate. I also envy her. It's not b/c she gets to go to Hawaii twice this year (I'll be there in spirit). It's not b/c she gets to be a stay-at-home mom (someday, when Will & Kelsey are teenagers I'll be a great SAHM). There are many reasons I'm not envious. The reason I am is b/c she is happy and I can see it every time I see her. My sister is a natural born caretaker, the quintessential SAHM. If she wasn't my sister, I would still love visiting her b/c she always has things that she knows I like. Whether it be wine, or shampoo, or my own pink loofah waiting for me on the bed. The place she is right now it life is hard won, something that can be said for almost everyone that is really and truly happy.

What I want to know is how do I get to that point?

Because I'm such a glass-half-empty type of person, I try VERY hard not to concentrate on the negative. Today, at this very moment in time, I'm having a really hard time with that. I could write a list of twenty things that are depressing me right now. There is one good thing, but it's hardly worth mentioning and it makes me sound like a god-awful mother. I am in a depressive funk and it's really fucked.

Letter to my husband

2010-06-08T10:20:00.001-06:00

Dear Bill,

Now that I can be pretty sure I'm not going to die of internal bleeding after my wreck on Saturday, I feel that it's safe to tell you that you were right. Even if my spleen didn't rupture like I was sure it was going to, you still would have been right. It's not that I would rather have had a chest protector than the bracelet you got me for my birthday. No, I'm talking about your instance that I wear a helmet. I have to admit that most of the time when I complain about wearing it, I'm giving you a hard time. I'm glad you insisted even though it's likely I would have worn it anyway.

In the future--and we both know that there will be a future incident--please don't shake me if I'm laying still on the ground. Haven't you watched Grey's Anatomy? ER? Never move the victim (or in this case: rider)...~~his/her~~ my neck could have been broken. Also, please give my bruises the respect they deserve. You are right, they are like war wounds. Do something original like Kelsey. Every time I show her, she screams and covers her eyes.

Love,
Casee

P.S. Casee: 1 Tree: 0

Health"care" reform? I think not.

2010-04-13T10:13:00.001-06:00

To say that I'm disturbed by the new healthcare bill that has passed would be an understatement. First it should be made clear that this is NOT bill for healthCARE reform. This is a bill for affordable healthcare. To dumb it down even further, it is health INSURANCE reform.

Sec. 1501 "Requirement to maintain minimum essential coverage"

The United States government is FORCING American citizens to buy something whether you want to or not. Does that not raise a red flag??? Let's compare health insurance to car insurance, shall we? I am required by law to have insurance on my car. However, driving is a privilege. That means that I don't HAVE to drive. If I choose to drive, then I HAVE to have car insurance. See the difference? The federal government is telling me that I have to have health insurance whether I want to or not. They are taking away my choice.

Sec. 9002 "Inclusion of cost of employer-sponsored health coverage on W-2"

For those Americans that CHOOSE to get health insurance through their employers, you will now see an additional box on your W-2. This will include the cost of your insurance to your employer and be added to your gross income liability. By Jan. 1, 2014 when this bill goes fully in effect, I have no doubt that the cafeteria plan will be obsolete. So not only will we not be able to reduce our taxable gross income, we will be paying taxes on monies that we are paying for health insurance. This particular section is going to do nothing but hurt people like me that already CHOOSE to have health insurance and are lucky enough to get it through our employers.

Sec. 9005 "Limitation on health flexible spending arrangements under cafeteria plans"

Yet another way that my taxable gross income will go up. This section will limit the amount of money you can put in your FSA plan. It cuts it by HALF. Last year I put $2k in my FSA plan and the money was spent by June. I should have put the full $5k you can put in, but I didn't think I needed that much. This year, I've put $3k in. I've already used $1k of it.

The tax cuts from 2000 are expiring. Add in Sec. 9002 and Sec. 9005 and I'm going to be put in a higher tax bracket. It's a snowball effect. I will pay more taxes so I will have less disposable income. Therefore I will spend less. What I personally put in the economy is minute, but when you take millions of people like me, it will take a noticeable effect. That's not even taking into account the fact that businesses will be forced to raise their prices to meet the requirements of this bill.

My opinions are based on facts. The government should not have the right to tell American citizens what they must buy. For the life of me, I can't imagine why an American would support this. It truly boggles my mind.

Bullying controversy: Where are the parents?

2010-04-07T12:04:00.001-06:00

This bullying story is really tragic. Several people (minors and adults) have been charged with various crimes. That's all well and good, but my question is where are the parents?

Not the parents of the bullies, but the parents of this girl that got bullied. Whatever the media reports, there is no way that the bullying alone was what drove her to commit suicide. It's a horrible thing that happened, but sometimes you need to take a step back and ask yourself why. Why would bullying drive this teenage girl to end her own life? What was going on in her own life when it happened? Where in the hell were her parents? There had to be mental issues prior to the bullying.

Which brings me to bullying in general. I'm not sure that bullying has gotten worse in the last twenty years. It's the reaction to the bullying that has changed. Parents have taken the responsibility of protecting their children from themselves and put it on the school who in turn put it on law enforcement. When I was a kid, short of getting physically abused, the school would not step in. Why should they? From 3rd grade all the way to high school there was a boy that bullied me constantly. And he was MEAN. Not physically, but verbally. I would go home in tears and wonder what I ever did. I've been prone to depression my entire life, but never did I think about committing suicide. What I did was go home and talk to my mom. Or rather I would go home and cry on her shoulder and she would do what a parent should do: she counseled me. She talked to me and gave me tools to cope. She gave me ideas on how to stay or get out of situations where this boy (who I hope is working the counter at McDonalds) would verbally attack me.

I'm now in a place where I'm the mom. I've already had to give my nine year old advice on bullying. Even if I don't give him the exact right advice, you better believe that I would know if he depressed way before he even (God forbid) contemplated suicide. I want to know where Phoebe Prince's parents were during the whole thing. You aren't bullied for months without your parents knowing. If your parents know you're being bullied, they know how it's affecting you. They would see changes in behavior. Phoebe's suicide was avoidable. If her parents had been more aware of their daughter or helped her cope and deal with the bullies, she might still be here today. If the bullies' parents didn't have their heads up their asses, their kids wouldn't be such assholes.

Step up parents. Take responsibility.

Ten Years of Wedded Bliss

2010-02-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Bill,

We've been married for ten years. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. Ten years seems like such a long amount of time, yet it has flown by. I remember that one day at my parent's house in Rocklin. You know the day...I like to think of it as The Intervention. Our parents sat us down and talked to us about what a mistake we would be making by getting married. Even your dad chimed in about us being too young to get married. Here we are ten years later. In another ten, we'll probably be sitting down with Kelsey and Some Guy telling them DON'T GET MARRIED THIS YOUNG.

I have grown so much as a person, a wife, and a mom since we got married. In our first few bumbling years of marriage, you were endlessly patient with me when I would accuse you of going to play golf to get away from me. What can I say? I was eighteen years old. It was hard those first few years (thank God Will was such a good baby), but we both grew up (If we're honest with each other, it was me more than you). I learned how to balance being my own person with being a wife and mom. Kelsey was unexpected (which should have been a sign), but we made it through that too.

We moved from California to Idaho. If there's anything you know about me, it's that I HATE MOVING. I told you in 2006 that if we made the move successfully without killing each other or ending up in Divorce Court that we could weather anything. We've had our ups and downs like any couple, but we came out together on the other side. If we could handle an out-of-state move, we could handle the world. And we have.

Ten years, Bill. We made it.

Love,
Casee

30 Day Shred: Pass or Fail?

2010-02-01T10:17:00.001-07:00

I made one New Years resolution this year. Complete Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred dvd. I started on January 4th. I did really good for a week, then I got sick. I skipped one day and was slowly plodding through it. Then I got bored. So I skipped two days. Basically, I'm 22 days through it. I wanted to get through it before we went to Hawaii on Feb 8th, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I would love to say that I'll do it every day from now until then, but lets be honest here. I won't. I have every intention of doing it, but it probably won't happen.

I'm finally up to Level 3 and let me tell you, that mother is hard. It looks easy when you compare them to levels one and two, but pa-cha. It's not. The sumo squats? Holy mother of God. Those HURT. Whenever I've read reviews where the people have said that they yell and scream at Jillian, I wondered who could be crazy enough to do that. I AM. It hurts so bad that I have to yell at her to distract myself so I don't quit. It hurts right now just thinking about what I'm going to be doing tonight.

So have I lost weight? I've lost about 7 pounds. My clothes fit a little better. Other than that, it hasn't been a huge amount of progress. It's not like I was planning on being in a bikini on the beaches of Hawaii, but I did want to feel comfortable in the clothes that got a little tight over the holidays. We went to Old Navy on Saturday to get Kelsey a bathing suit and some flip flops. I grabbed a pair of bermuda shorts for myself--the same size as my other pair of ON bermuda shorts. I got home and THEY WERE FREAKING TIGHT. I know this sounds so lame, but I don't want to go up a size. When I started losing my pregnancy weight after four freaking years and went down in pant size, I promised I would never get back up to that size. So I really don't want to. But I also don't want to waste $30 on shorts that I may or may not wear. Ugh.

As far as the 30 Day Shred, I would have to say pass. Why? Because I can do a full (non-girly push-up). Yeah that's right. I rock the push-up.

Why Obama isn't good for America

2010-01-29T18:43:00.003-07:00

It has nothing to do with the fact that he's black. Or the more politically correct term African American. Who effing cares that the guy is black? I agree that it is monumental that America elected a black man as President. Even though I didn't vote for him or want him to become President, part of me was proud that Americans voted on what they thought was best without bringing race into it. So no, it's not because he's black.

The reason is b/c he's ruining what the United States stands for. If you've forgotten, go read the Declaration of Independence. "All men are created equal". Yes, but this person is a minority and was born into a broken home. How is he equal to a white boy who is born into a wealthy family and won't have to work for his entire life? Bullshite. You can be anything you want to be. You may have a harder time than someone else, but you can do it. Everyone that is born in this world can do something great, no matter what country they're in.

The United States was already in the ground when Obama was elected. He's just pounding Uncle Sam further into the ground. I am so mother-f-ing sick of hearing "I inherited blah blah blah". Dude, has any president been happy with what his predecessor left? Come on. I liken it to "but it's not my fault" when my son tells me why he didn't turn in his homework. To Obama I would say get the eff over yourself. Do what you PROMISED to do in the election. Oh that's right, you lied.

On Thursday night, Obama promised 30 billion MORE of our dollars to banks so they could give loans to small businesses. Essentially the government is telling the banks what they will do. Isn't that everything that we DON'T stand for? Like my husband has said, the banks have plenty of money. They just don't want to loan any out b/c they're scared. Scared of losing money. Which is what any business doesn't want. All businesses are in the business of making money. But now Obama is going to give more money and direct the banks where it needs to go.

I could go on and on. And I probably will. I'm done censoring myself so I don't offend anyone.

The bottom line is that by the time my kids are my age, the United States is going to be everything that the Founding Fathers fought against becoming.

So sick of being sick

2010-01-25T15:14:00.001-07:00

I'm somewhat of a germ-a-phobe. I don't share drinks with anyone. I wash my hands religiously. Yet I'm still the one that always gets sick. WTF. There is nothing I hate more than being sick. Nothing. Sure, it's a pain when one (or both) of the kids are sick, but I'm a much better caregiver than a care receiver. I've had this cough since right after Christmas. Nothing else, just a cough. Then two weeks after my "just a cough", I got a cold to go along with it. The cough seemed to have peaked with the cold. Now the cold is going away and the "just a cough" is coming back.

I hate it. It's making me bloody miserable. I fully admit that I'm a HORRIBLE sick person. If I could, I would whine and cry non-stop until I got better. But since I'm an adult and still the caregiver, I have to suck it up. Which I HATE. I want sympathy. I want my mom. I want peace and quiet. These things just don't happen.

Not to mention that the lack of sleep that Bill is getting is making him turn into a mean Jack Bauer. If I wake him up coughing at 3AM one more time, he might just put me (and himself) out of my misery. So his lack of sleep affects everything else b/c he's a grump. Bill doesn't do grumpy well. All he does is remind me of my annoying younger brother and try to shove Vitamin C down my throat in hopes that it will clear up whatever is ailing me.

I've gone through about one liter of cough syrup. And I'm talking the good stuff. My current doctor isn't very liberal with her prescription pad like my previous doctor was. Which isn't a good thing when I'm calling every four days asking "can I have a refill?" and being prepared to beg if necessary.

Every time I get sick, I learn something new. This time it's that Bill doesn't like when I cough in his face, even if I'm sleeping. And if I do, he reserves the right to roll me out of bed.

The Almost Vegan Project

2010-01-19T11:58:00.001-07:00

I've been a strict vegetarian for almost three years now. By strict I mean that I eat no meat at all. Not even fish. I won't eat anything that has beef or chicken stock in it. I buy what I call "happy eggs" which are eggs from free range, vegetarian fed chickens. I (usually) only buy organic milk. Maybe I have my head buried in the sand, but I imagine that the cows which organic milk come from are happy and free to roam. Like the California Cheese commercials. I buy it for health reasons as well, but mostly b/c in my mind organic milk=happy cows.

The question I always get: "What do you eat then?" My response? "What do you eat?".

I eat almost all the same things as meat eaters. I just replace a burger with a boca burger. I replace chicken with chi'kn. I eat tofu. I add TVP to stuff. I get as much protein as the next person, maybe even more. Vegetarians can be as healthy or unhealthy as they want. I can eat chips, cookies, and cake. I try not to, of course, but I am a slave to junk food.

It is b/c of this that I'm embarking on the "Almost Vegan Project". It is a project where I will eat only vegan for x amount of time. Vegan means nothing with animal by product. No milk, cheese, eggs, or even honey. I want to try it for health reasons more than personal reasons. I have a friend that is vegan and she doesn't use or eat anything that has animal by products. Like she replaced all her makeup b/c of [insert animal thing here] that was in her makeup when she went vegan. I'm not going that far.

I've been wanting to do this for some time, but frankly I'm too lazy. If vegetarian recipes have ingredients that aren't usually found in your cupboard, you have to hunt down certain ingredients for vegan recipes. Since I wasn't really committed to becoming vegan (at all) I just decided it wasn't worth the effort.

The hardest thing to cut out will be cheese. I'm not much of a milk drinker and I don't eat eggs a lot. But I love cheese.

Casee=cheese lover.

So if there's anyone out there that wants to join me (or try an almost vegetarian), feel free. It's really not that hard. No, really.

Random emails: Round 1

2009-11-12T11:31:00.003-07:00

I'm cleaning out my emails and am coming across some pretty funny stuff. There's just too much to put in one post, so I'm going to split it up.

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2009 3:08 PM
To: Bill
Subject: Your daughter

Is impossible to please. Her glasses were too loose, so I took her to get them tightened. Now guess what is wrong?

From: Bill [mailto:Bill@xxxxx.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2009 3:28 PM
To: Casee
Subject: RE: Your daughter

Too tight???

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2009 3:31 PM
To: Bill
Subject: RE: Your daughter

Ding, ding, ding!

Here's one from my mom. So rude:

From: Barbara [mailto:xxxxxx@msn.com]
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 3:08 PM
To: Casee
Subject: We're doing homework

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 3:09 PM
To: Barbara
Subject: RE: We're doing homework

Crying?

From: Barbara [mailto:xxxxx@msn.com]
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 3:24 PM
To: Casee
Subject: RE: We're doing homework

No.

Kelsey is sure easier than you were when I tried to help you with homework.

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, April 24, 2009 3:25 PM
To: Barbara
Subject: RE: We're doing homework

I was talking about Will.

Yet another one from my mom. Touche.

From: Barbara [mailto:xxxxx@msn.com]
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:11 AM
To: Casee
Subject: I told you I would sign you up & pay

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:12 AM
To: Barbara
Subject: RE: I told you I would sign you up & pay

Don’t get so pissy.

From: Barbara [mailto:xxxx@msn.com]
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:14 AM
To: Casee
Subject: RE: I told you I would sign you up & pay

Why not? You were pissy yesterday

He's really the family dog. He just wasn't on April 29th.

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Wednesday, April 29, 2009 9:34 AM
To: Bill
Subject: YOUR DOG

Is going to be effing dog meat if he doesn’t shut the F up.

Tuesday morning conversations

2009-10-20T14:23:00.002-06:00

I got a late start this morning. When I came downstairs, Bill was already gone. Now I had heard him moving around in the kitchen while I was getting ready and assumed he was making lunches. I went downstairs and there were no lunches.

Me: Did daddy make your lunch?
Will: No.
Me: What was he doing down here?
Will: He was getting ready for work. Like watching TV. You know, the stuff you do to get ready.

He is so his father's son.

Happy Birthday Jack Bill!

2009-10-01T14:03:00.004-06:00

Dear ~~Jack~~ Bill,

Today you are one year older than you were yesterday. We both know that ~~it's my fault~~ you have a bit of an aging complex. You have come a long way in a year. Last year at this time, whenever you would find a gray hair on your head, you would make me pull it. Now you just accept that pulling them out is not going to stop. It's my wifely duty to remind you that it could be worse. ~~You could be bald like your brother.~~

We've been together for ~~what seems like freaking forever~~ ten years. During those years, we've grown up together. We've grown together as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. There are so many things we've weathered together. From gray hair to moving out of state, we've done it.

I don't want to make you cry, but I have two things for you to think about. I will always be younger than you. I'm sorry about that. Really, I am ~~not~~. The other thing is that I most likely will never get gray hair, so you'll have to get enough for the both of us. With a ~~devil~~ daughter like Kelsey, that should be no problem.

I want to thank you for not liking cake. At this moment, that is one of the top five things I love about you. Having two birthdays in our family within ten days wreaks hell when I'm trying to watch what I eat.

I hope that you've had the best day today. Will, Kelsey, and I started your day out by singing Happy Birthday this morning at 6:55. I will put you to sleep tonight singing the National Anthem. Consider it my birthday gift to you.

I love you.

Love,
Casee

Happy Birthday, Will!

2009-09-21T11:08:00.001-06:00

Dear Will,

You are nine years old today. Nine. I can't believe that you are one year away from double digits.

You are the quietest member of our family and would let yourself fade into the background if we let you. You also have the kindest heart of any kid I have ever met. I know that I'm biased b/c I'm your mom, but you really do. There is nothing that you wouldn't do for someone you love. While I usually shudder to think of what kind of chaos your sister will bring to the world as an adult, I look forward to seeing what you accomplish. I wouldn't be surprised if you found a cure for cancer. Right now, you want to work at Roaring Springs when you grow up, but I know that won't last forever.

I went into labor with you at 4am on September 21st. That was your polite way of warning me that it was coming. I didn't go to the hospital until later that afternoon. You were born at 9:20pm at a whopping 8lbs. 11oz. We really didn't expect you to be that big. From that moment on, you've constantly done the unexpected. You say things like "Dinner smells delightful!" to "Pardon me, I just keep getting the words wrong today (while reading)". Hearing big words come out of your small little mouth is really one of the greatest joys. You never fail to make us smile.

Only a person like you could be such a great brother to Kelsey. She has no idea how lucky she is, but we will be sure to remind her.

Happy Birthday, Sweet William.

Love,
Mom

My first day back running.

2009-08-28T14:29:00.004-06:00

I believe in being prepared. When we go camping for four days, I pack Kelsey ten pairs of underwear. So it wasn't a surprise to me when I stepped out the door to go on my first run in over three months that I looked like a contestant on a hiking reality show gone wrong.

My sister recently came out for a visit. On her way out of town, she picked me up a bunch of Nike running gear for cheap. So I was armed with new shit all over the place. Since I'm generally allergic to the heat, I decided to run in the morning. I got dressed, put my new dri-fit tank on (along with my shorts) and was ready to roll.

Except I wasn't. It took me, like, 10 more minutes to get out the damn door. First I had to figure out how to get this on comfortably:

Then I had to go get my iPod out of the car. I was wondering where my Garmin was and knew I had let Kelsey use it on her bike (I don't know what I was thinking). Luckily, I found it (by complete accident of course), but the battery beeped and read "You have 0 hours of battery life remaining". Ah well, I wasn't planning to go far. It would last.

The hydration pack has two compartments, so I was saved from having to look for my arm band. After that, I had to adjust the pack and figure out exactly how it was supposed to rest. On your hip? On your waist? I filled it up with water, grabbed my sunglasses and was out the door.

Except I forgot my hat. So I came back in, went upstairs and got my hat. Went back outside. Forgot my sunglasses on the counter. Went back outside. I contemplated taking my phone (for safety purposes), but it's a freaking Blackberry. It weighs like 3 pounds.

By the time I turned the Garmin on so it could pick up the GPS, I already felt like I weighed an extra 20 pounds. In addition to the hydration back and water bottle, I had my watch on one wrist and my Garmin on another. Unfortunately for me, my Garmin is an old model. It doesn't look like a normal watch. And I forgot to take the damn battery charger clip off. I haven't decided on a good pair of running ear buds, so I had dangling cords. Even with all that, I set off in relatively good spirits, happy that I was finally able to do something.

The damn Garmin died at 0.75 miles.

I count on the Garmin not only to tell me how far I'm going, but what my pace is. If I don't have it, I don't run a steady pace. So I had to guess how far it was until I hit a mile. Which is really pathetic b/c I've run the route before. After running an errand, I eyed the odometer and realized I didn't even go the full two miles.

After all that shit, I didn't even go 2 miles. Mother-f-er.

Why reading isn't always a good thing.

2009-08-27T09:14:00.004-06:00

Right now I'm reading Blaze of Memory by Nalini Singh. It's damn good. Therefore, I have to place the blame for what happened yesterday squarely on her shoulders. Sorry, Nalini. You shouldn't be such a good writer.

When Kelsey was about two years old, I decided to do away with the bangs. At that age, she actually let me clip her hair out of her eyes or put it in baby pigtails. Those days soon passed; as well as my willingness to let her hair grow long. When she was four or five, I got her hair cut. Short. I was sick of her hair being a nest to food, paint, gum, and various other things that young kids get into at that age. Having her hair cut short served two purposes. She didn't look like a homeless child and I didn't have to deal with her hair in the morning. Double bonus.

It started about eighteen months ago. The inevitable fight about her hair. She insisted that she wanted to grow it long. I was just as adamant that it wasn't.going.to.happen. Whenever we went to get haircuts, I did what most parents would have done. I lied right to her face and got her hair cut the way I wanted it. Not b/c I wanted her hair cut that way. On the contrary, I just didn't want to deal with her hair issues.

Which brings me to yesterday.

Kelsey has been asking for side bangs for about a month now. I kept putting her off, trying to figure out how to convince her she has side bangs without actually giving them to her. At this point, I had already agreed to let her grow her hair out with the understanding that if she doesn't take care of it, that I will get it cut off.

Before

Yesterday we went into the salon. Kelsey wanted to go first. I told the hairdresser that Kelsey wanted side bangs (all while saying "hell no" w/ my eyes). I asked that she part her hair in the middle, trim it, then when her hair is parted on the side, it would look like side bangs. Perfect, no? It would have been if it weren't for Nalini.

While Kelsey was getting her hair washed, I pulled out Blaze of Memory to finish the chapter I was reading. When Kelsey came back, I looked up for a second and smiled to see how excited she was. Then I went back to reading. When I looked back up, there were side bangs.

After

I honestly felt like crying. At the same time, I couldn't help but laugh while I was getting my hair cut. I saw her looking in the mirror preening. She had to do that for twenty straight minutes.

Bill was less than thrilled when we got home. I'm sure he doesn't care what her hair looks like. It's what happened this morning that we both wanted to avoid.

"My side bangs don't feel right."

Srsly.

Health care rant ahoy

2009-08-24T16:05:00.004-06:00

Is health care right or a privilege?

That is not a question that is black and white. There are many shades of gray.

Children definitely have a right to health care. You can't help who you are born to. If a baby is born to a drug addict mother, why should s/he not even get a chance at being healthy?

Illegal immigrants do not have a right to health care. They are in this country illegally. Why should Americans have to pay for their health care? And make no mistake, someone has to pay for the supposed "free" health care that is being proposed. Nothing is free. If you think it is, you need a serious reality check.

My family is a family of four. My two kids have been insured without a break in coverage since the day of their birth. Is it private insurance? Yes. Did it have to be? No. When I had my kids, my husband and I were making a paltry $20/hr (combined) salary. We could have chosen to have more money in our pocket, put our kids on Healthy Families and gone without insurance ourselves. Or we could suck it up and pay the cost of insurance for the kids we chose to have. We went with the latter.

I am all for health insurance reform. I don't think the insurance companies should have as much power as they do. I don't believe the government should have that power either. The federal government was not created to be the ruling power of the people.

A smart person I know says this:

The Constitution was created to limit the powers of the federal government. The Founding Fathers knew that the country needed some form of federal government to take care of some basic needs, i.e. defense of the country, infrastructure, etc. The Constitution is very specific about what powers the federal government has. It says in essence that anything that is not listed in the Constitution is reserved to the States or the people.

So we're going to change the Constitution at will to state what the federal government needs it to state? That completely goes against what the Constitution is there to do and specifically goes against the saying "All men are created equal...". Every one American has the same opportunity as the next. Sure, it's harder for some than others, but your life is what you make of it.

So why should I be forced to pay for your health care?

Srsly effed up

2009-06-10T10:36:00.003-06:00

Will and Kelsey are camping with my parents. They left on Monday and will come back on Saturday. What I have asked myself since I got home on Monday night is wtf is wrong with me? I have no kids. I should be doing things that people that have no kids do. (What do people that have no kids do?) Instead, I find myself a little out of sorts.

Next Monday, I am going in for foot surgery. What this means it that I'm basically useless for two weeks. The first few days, I can't even go to the bathroom without help. It's srsly fun, ppl. So without the kids here to ~~drive me fraking crazy~~ entertain me with their cute children antics, I'm slowly driving myself crazy. Eight weeks of being laid up is not my idea of a good time. And although I'm not the biggest exercise advocate, that doesn't mean that I don't want to do it once in awhile. Instead I'll be sitting on my butt eating kettle chips and drinking gatorade, watching re-runs of Buffy while being doped up on pain pills.

Good times.

In addition to worry to the point of making myself physically ill, I've also decided to worry about whether Jack will actually stick around after my surgery when I'm as loopy as, well, a fruit loop. Even though he hung around two years ago when I had the same surgery, I keep flashing back to when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. He settled me on the couch with the doctor's warnings (don't leave the patient alone, she might walk out into traffic and get hit by a car) ringing in his ears, gave me the remote and went to play 18 holes of golf. After that, I decided to plan a spa day when I brought him home from getting his wisdom teeth pulled.

To top it all off, Jack got me at a weak point (read: drinking point) on Friday night when I was in Newport Beach. He asked me if I wanted to play softball b/c they needed an extra girl. He cajoled me with the fact that it will be the last time I'll be able to do anything for eight weeks. Being the happy person I am when I was drinking, I enthusiastically agreed that it would be great. I wouldn't even have to worry about the kids b/c they weren't home. Now I can only hope that when the forecasted thunderstorm hits, I'm not up to bat with a piece of metal in my hand while lightning strikes.

Just a little warning...any posts up over the next two weeks will be done while under the influence of pain medication. If it doesn't make sense, at least it will be entertaining.

Hangover Hell

2009-06-01T10:09:00.003-06:00

Jack's brother came into town from Spokane last Thursday to visit for the weekend. He's newly single, so I talked to a friend from work about going out on Saturday night. We went to a comedy club, which I remember as being extremely funny. Idaho is only second to Utah when it comes the Mormon population. This joke cracked me up:

So as I said, I'm newly married. Of course, being Mormon, that means I'm still dating.

Okay, maybe you had to be there.

So then we went to this bar/club and after that we went to this other bar/club. We closed the place down. Srsly. Those who know me well know that I do not stay up until FOUR IN THE MORNING. Ever. I don't even stay up until 2am. Even when we go to my sister's house, I can't stay up that late. I just don't do it.

It was the beer. That's all I was drinking...beer. It must have been a whole hell of a lot of beer b/c I felt like shit yesterday. About 9 last night, I called Jack upstairs and told him that I didn't think it was a hangover, it had to be the stomach flu. I mean, I was having hot/cold flashes, I had a low grade fever, I felt like I was going to vomit all day long. All I had to eat was one piece of toast and two bites of oatmeal. It had to be the stomach flu.

::snort::

Jack wouldn't let me get away with that. It wasn't my blondness showing as much as it was the fact that I never get hangovers. ~~Well, there was that one time at my Christmas party, but that was like 2 years ago.~~

There was no way I was telling the kids that "Mommy is sick, she needs quiet time" b/c that just reeks to me. So last night found the three of us laying in my bed watching Kelsey's favorite episode of Charmed.

The moral of the story is that I don't think I want to have a beer EVER AGAIN.

Why Microsoft should hire me

2009-05-14T14:12:00.003-06:00

I have my Outlook setup to automatically check for spelling when I send it. Sometimes my little fingers just move faster than my brain. The spell check feature has saved me some embarrassment more than once.

I never really pay attention to what Microsoft considers a grammar error. This one I just had to share b/c it cracks me up.

So Microsoft, the reason you should hire me is that I got "Master of grammar" on a Facebook quiz. Heh.

Depression

2009-05-11T09:58:00.002-06:00

I've been trying to articulate this post since last Tuesday. For some reason, it just wasn't flowing.

I'm prone to depression and have been since I was a teenager. Goth would have really suited me back in those days. It would have really gone with my attitude. Maybe that's why I tried so hard not to be like that. As I got older, I hoped it would be something that I would grow out of. Now I know that you can't "grow out of" depression.

I have to try so damn hard to deep myself out of going into a bout of depression. It's a constant struggle. Though it's not something that I generally advertise, I'm on two anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications. Two. About a year ago, when I was only on one anti-depressant, I decided that it was time to start lowering my dose so I could eventually go off of them. Not happening.

Last Tuesday, I went into a major funk. At this point, I couldn't even say why. I just felt totally awful, inside and out. When I have these bouts, I don't cry. I just feel heavy. That's the only way I can really describe it. I feel like I can't talk to my husband about it when I feel like that. It's not something that I can snap out of, which is usually what I would expect him to say. So I called my mom. She always makes me feel better. She makes me think. What's going on right at this moment that is making me feel bad? I haven't been exercising regularly, we've been crazy busy getting the kids to/from soccer, I've been seriously stressed at work. Somehow she forces me to take a look at things from the outside, which always helps. I don't know what I would do without her.

About two weeks ago, I was working on this project at work. There was a deadline and I was feeling pressure from all sides to get it done. It made me so anxious and stressed out, I had to take xanax. During the day. I don't take xanax during the day, but I started feeling sick to my stomach and I started getting chest pains. It felt like something was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe.

Ever since then, I've been feeling these chest pains at least once a day. I've ruled out acid reflux b/c it doesn't happen after I eat. I srsly feel like I can't catch a freaking break. As if depression and mild anxiety aren't enough, now I have to have anxiety/panic attacks? The hardest part of all this is trying to keep it from touching my family when I'm home. I don't want my mental problems rubbing off on my husband or kids. It takes a lot of energy to put on the "I'm okay" front.

Right at this moment, it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I have nothing very stressful going on at work. Will and Kelsey cleaned their rooms yesterday. The laundry is almost all done for the week. Bill cleaned the shower yesterday. Sure, it looks like the mailman threw up on our kitchen island, but that's relatively easy to clean up. So why do I feel like this? The fact that I can't answer that makes me sick to my stomach.

Tomorrow I work from home. I'm already starting to worry about having a repeat of last Tuesday. Maybe that's what's making me so stressed today.

I can only hope that tomorrow is better than last Tuesday.

Letter to PETA

2009-04-22T17:15:00.003-06:00

Dear Ingrid Newkirk,

Stop sending me emails asking for money. I know I should just unsubscribe to your newsletters, but there has been interesting news I've gotten, so I haven't done it yet. I just received your newsletter titled "Meet Dog #3017".

The impact of your newsletter was harsh until I read the inevitable sentence "Horrific and pointless experiments like these can be stopped, but only with your help. By making a tax-deductible donation today, you can help our work to prevent the suffering of animals like dog #3017, who right now face needless agony behind the closed doors of laboratories and other hideous places."

If I was a celebrity or some shit, I'd donate to PETA. For now, I'll stick with my local Humane Society. And that's only if I have money left over after paying all the bills that go along w/ having a family of four.

Thanks,

Casee

P.S. Do you condemn me b/c I'm not a vegan? I still eat animal products. Does that make me bad?

Day 11: 4/8/09

2009-04-09T09:03:00.001-06:00

I just can not get through one day w/o pain. Even if it's minor pain, it's pain. Other than my back, my left knee is giving me problems and now my neck. *sigh*

Food for Wednesday, 4/8.

Breakfast: Strawberry protein shake

Snack: Kashi GoLean protein bar

Lunch: Cafeteria salad

Snack: Handful of salted almonds

Dinner: Cheese & crackers

Drinks: Coffee, water, G2.

Exercise for Wednesday, 4/8.

1 hour yoga class.

My knee was really annoying me, so I skipped the video. I figured yoga might help. It may have, but the jury is still out on that one.

Another thing I find is that the days that I go to the gym in the evening, I don't eat as much when I get home. I'm just not that hungry. I really have been worried that I'm not eating enough.

I'm going to be trying on the bridesmaid dress this weekend. Hopefully it will just fit better. If I go down a size, I'll be in trouble b/c I'm already wearing the smallest size they have. I don't want my mother-in-law to have a coronary since the wedding is next weekend.

Day 10: 4/7/09

2009-04-08T13:53:00.001-06:00

I have been so tired during the day. I'm getting plenty of sleep at night, so I can't figure out what's going on.

Food for Tuesday, 4/7.

Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios w/ Fat free milk

Lunch: Cheese, Crackers, and apple

Snack before gym: Chocolate peanut butter Kashi bar

Dinner after gym: Vegetable soup (which Kelsey correctly classified as "tasting like water")

Snack while watching Fringe: Kashi GoLean crunch cereal (dry)

Drinks: Coffee, G2, water, Diet Pepsi (bad me).

Exercise for Tuesday, 4/7.

AM: Level 2 30 Day Shred.

PM: 1 hr Spinning class. Which kicked my ass...hard.

Day 9: 4/6/09

2009-04-07T10:37:00.002-06:00

One more week. One more week. One more week.

Food for Monday, 4/6.

Breakfast: Strawberry protein shake
Lunch: Cafeteria salad
Snack: Zone protein bar (Chocolate caramel - yum)
Dinner: Leftovers

Drinks: Coffee, Water, G2.

Exercise for Monday, 4/6.

Level 2 of 30 Day Shred. I decided to give it a try b/c even using heavier weights in Level 1, I wasn't feeling sore. That's how I know it's working. It worked, let me tell you. For some reason, I didn't have as hard of a time w/ the cardio, but the weights kicked my ass. I did have to modify a few things that involved twisting, but other than that it wasn't as bad as I was expecting.

Day 8: 4/5/09

2009-04-06T09:42:00.001-06:00

I have srsly been counting down the days. I'm over halfway through my goal and each day gets me closer to the end. I'm wondering if I'll actually want to stop, considering that I feel great. Sure, getting up in the morning is no fun, but other than that...it's great.

Food for Sunday, 4/5.

Breakfast/Lunch: Kashi GoLean cereal

Snack: One scoop of Baskin Robbins Butter Pecan on a cone (yum).

Dinner: Barbeque Tofu Sandwiches and Kung Pao Spaghetti

I didn't get up until about 10ish. By the time I had my coffee and wanted to eat, it was already 11. I'm not sure if I ate enough yesterday, though after dinner I was soooo stuffed.

Exercise for Sunday, 4/5.

Level 1 of 30 Day Shred. I used heavier weights than I have this past week.

I've really noticed a difference with the fit of my clothes. I may not be losing weight, but my clothes do feel better. I just might not look like a big fat grape in the bridesmaid dress after all. Just a grape.

Day 7: 4/4/09

2009-04-05T12:17:00.003-06:00

Today was my day off. Originally, I planned on doing the video every day, but that just didn't work out.

So yesterday, we were at the soccer field most of the day. Then we went to my mom's house and I had three glasses of wine while we were there. We had dinner and then played Rockband.

I'm ready for week 2.

Day 6: 4/3/09

2009-04-04T09:04:00.003-06:00

I was srsly considering taking the day off. I work from home on Fridays and the last thing I wanted to do was get up before I absolutely had to. I eventually did the video at about 5pm. Then I remembered why I liked doing them so much in the morning. I have no food in my stomach, so I don't start feeling sick.

Food for Friday, 4/3.

Breakfast: Kashi GoLean Crunch cereal
Lunch: Cheese and crackers
Snack: Protein bar
Dinner: Baked potato w/ cheese
Drinks: Coffee, G2, and water

I really need to start cooking. Actually writing my food down is making me realize that I have no variety. I really need to get more fruits and vegetables.

Exercise for Friday, 4/3.

Level 1 of 30 Day Shred.

Instead of moving to Level 2, I'm going to do Level 2 w/ heavier hand weights. This video really works. I've already noticed that my pants are looser.

ETA: I totally skipped 4/3. I guess I really want this to be over. LOL

Day 5: 4/2/09

2009-04-02T08:25:00.000-06:00

I'm really disappointed in myself today. I only did half the dvd. As soon as I started, my nose started running and I started sneezing. I really hope I can do something about these allergies b/c I was miserable all night last night. *sigh*

Because I'm such a procrastinator and put off working out in the past, I can't help but feel like I'm doing that now. Even though I know I'm not.

Food for Thursday, April 2nd.

Breakfast: Protein Shake
Lunch: 1/2 veggie sandwich and bag of chips
Snack before gym: Kashi GoLean bar
Dinner: Spetzel

Drinks: Water and soda w/ lunch.

Exercise for Thursday, April 2nd.

AM: Half of 30 Day Shred

PM: 1 hour Spinning class

Day 4: 4/1/09

2009-04-02T07:17:00.000-06:00

I really dislike April Fools' Day. Like, a lot.

Food for Wednesday 4/1.

Breakfast: Protein Shake
Lunch: Salad (a really yummy one - they had garbonzo beans)
Snack: Kashi GoLean bar
Dinner: Kashi GoLean Crunch cereal.

Yes, I'm having cereal for dinner. Sue me.

I also had a piece of tofacon (that's tofu "bacon") that a co-worker made today. It wasn't bad, but not something I'd take the time to make.

Exercise for Wednesday, 4/1.

AM: Level 1 of 30 Day Shred. Jillian is right, it does get easier.

PM: 1.44m run.

I remember why I don't run in the spring. I have HORRIBLE allergies. About halfway through my run, I started sneezing. I was half a mile from my house (I run a loop) and I sneezed the whole way home. Misery, I tell you.

Day 3: 3/31/09

2009-04-01T07:18:00.000-06:00

Food for Tuesday, 3/31.

Breakfast: Kashi Go Lean cereal (w/ 1% milk)
Lunch: Broccoli and cheese quiche
Snack: Pepper-jack cheese and crackers (6)
Snack: Kashi Go Lean bar
Dinner: Baked potato w/ veggie chili topped w/ cheese.

Drinks: Coffee, water, G2.

Exercise for Tuesday, 3/31.

AM: Level 1 of 30 Day Shred.

I am so terrified (no, srsly) of hurting my back, that I don't know how I'm going to bring myself to try Level 2 on Sunday.

PM: I was planning on going to Spinning, but I took Will to soccer so Jack could go instead. I'm so nice.

Tomorrow, my goal is to come home and run. We'll see how that goes.

Day 2: 3/30/09

2009-03-31T07:02:00.002-06:00

I actually got up at 6:30 to do the dvd. Knowing that my exercise is behind me really makes my day easier.

Food for Monday, 3/30

Breakfast: Strawberry Protein Shake
Lunch: Cafeteria salad (no garbozo beans, the bastards)
Snack: Kashi Go Lean Crunch bar and banana.
Dinner: Pasta w/ Pesto & salad.
After dinner snack: Bowl of strawberries

Drinks: Water and G2. (eta: Coffee, too. How could I forget coffee?)

Exercise for Monday, 3/30

Level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Jillian, I don't know whether to hate you or love you.

By the way, I'm only planning on doing this until April 15th (the day we fly out). After that, I'll probably do a weekly thing. Maybe. I might just be burnt out on blogging by then.

Omfg

2009-03-30T14:44:00.006-06:00

Not much could make me post two posts on this blog in one day. I just got off the phone w/ my mom and I am livid.

To make a long story as short as possible:

I have a 23 y/o cousin that is a complete screw-up. Whatever is wrong w/ her is someone else's fault. She doesn't take responsibility for anything. She's been married and divorced. She has an almost 3 yr old daughter.

She finally went into rehab a little over a month ago. She lived in Boise, but took the baby and went to her mom's house in Socal. The rehab was inpatient, so the baby was w/ my aunt the whole 30 days. While all this was going on, it was decided that my aunt would rent out the house she bought in Boise (for my cousin) and bring my cousin and her baby home.

My whole family (which includes my mom and my brother) have done so much for this girl, that it is unbelievable. The last time she pulled this shit, I washed my hands of her. I wouldn't help her if she paid me. My mom won't help her either, but she will help my aunt (her sister).

For the last week or so, my mom and my brother have been cleaning out and packing her house up. Did I mention she had a dog? That was ALONE in the house the whole time she's been in Socal? The neighbor would come over to feed it, etc. So my mom and my brother took it to the Humane Society and were told that it had a chip and they had to call the owner. Well, the owner is in rehab, but you can go ahead and try.

My cousin found out that it was my brother that dropped the dog off and wants to press charges against him. W. T. F. I am so fucking pissed.

The moral of this story is that no one fucks w/ my brother but me. And I'm going to call her and tell her that.

Day 1: 3/29/09

2009-03-30T13:53:00.003-06:00

I've decided to ~~try~~ to do a short entry every day about what I've eaten and any exercise that I've done that day. I'm hoping it will not only get me motivated, but also force me to take some accountability for my inability to do what needs to be done. What needs to be done?

I need to wear a bridesmaid dress in 19 days. Now I don't think that I'm going to be losing a ton of weight in 19 days, but I'm determined to do whatever I can. That means no food binging on the weekend. No beer. No wine. No dessert.

The sad thing is that I've known about this wedding for months. I've told myself that I'll do it, then something will happen. I'll do something that hurts my back (this is the only legit excuse I have), I'm too busy b/c of soccer, I'm too tired, or I'm just plain lazy.

Food for Sunday, 3/29.

Breakfast: 1 bowl Kashi Go Lean cereal (w/ 1% milk which made it hard to eat since I prefer fat free).
Lunch: 1 piece of broccoli cheddar quiche from Costco.
Snack: Kashi Go Lean Crunch bar.
Dinner: Fettuccine Alfredo and Salad.
To drink: About a gallon of effing water and a G2 Gatorade.
Snack: Garbozo beans w/ cajun seasoning.

Exercise for Sunday, 3/29.

Level 1 of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. It would be nice if she looked a little winded.

Blonde moment 7,164

2009-03-24T08:38:00.002-06:00

We have lived in this house for THREE years. That's 3. Yet this morning when I walked out of the bathroom to get my sweats out of the closet, I turned too early and walked into the wall.

Oy.

Dieting sucks

2009-03-23T09:54:00.004-06:00

Does dieting really work?

I have to say that I don't think it does. For me, dieting translates to eating nothing that I actually want to eat. No cookies, chips, or pizza. No beer or wine.

I generally eat pretty healthy. I've been good during my grocery store outings, not buying things that look soooo good on the shelf. I've been exercising regularly. Everything was going good and I was right on target for losing some weight before my mother-in-law's wedding. Then it happened.

PMS and bronchitis...at the same time.

Food doesn't really taste as good when I'm sick, nor do I actually feel that hungry. Except for popsicles, cookies, maybe some chips and cake. That stuff tastes wonderful during that time of the month whether I'm sick or not. Which is a shame. I could have lost five pounds while I was sick if PMS didn't accompany bronchitis.

Now I have three and a half weeks to slim down. I'm not saying how much weight I have to lose, because it makes me feel like crap knowing how hard it is to lose it.

Today I am going to Spinning. I'll bring my inhaler so I don't cough on you, Jack.

The husband hot-seat

2009-03-11T08:53:00.000-06:00

I sat Jack down and interviewed him. Let's see how well he really knows me...

1. What is something I always say to you? Are you listening to me?

2. What is something that makes me happy? Charmed.

3. What makes me sad? Looking at Mickey after it rains.

4. How do I make you laugh? By tickling me.

5. What was I like as a child? I don’t know.

6. How old am I? 35. This is way of getting back at me for teasing him about his age.

7. How tall am I? five foot [pauses] two. Wait no, five foot one and three quarters.

8. What is my favorite thing to do? Read.

9. What do I do when you're not around? Read.

10. If I become famous, what will it be for? Reading.

11. What am I really good at? Reading.

12. What am I not very good at? You sell yourself short when it comes to doing certain things. Which was not his first answer, btw.

13. What do I do for my job? IT.

14. What's my favorite food? Veggie spring rolls

15. What makes you proud of me? That you are a respected reviewer of pornographic literature. bwahahahahaha

16. If I were a cartoon character, who would I be? Lois from Family Guy. I don't watch Family Guy, but I think I'm offended.

17. What is something we do together? Watch Nip/Tuck and 24.

18. How are we the same? We both rock at Rockband.

19. How are we different? Our height (or lack thereof).

20. How do you know I love you? Do things that completely surprise me. Any time you’ve gotten me a gift.

21. What's my favorite place? Hawaii.

I do love Veggie Spring Rolls and I'm going to boycott Costco until they get them back.

Nine years and counting

2009-02-12T09:56:00.002-07:00

Dear Jack,

Can you believe we've made it through nine years? I'm having a hard time believeing that we've made it this far, yet I'm not surprised that we have. We have come so far since the day we met in 1998. You don't have bleached hair anymore and I've gained 20lbs. Ha.

Even before we were married, you stood by me when you didn't have to. You helped get me through one of the darkest times in my life. I took it for granted at the time, but I don't anymore. You were my rock then, before we were married and before we had Will and Kelsey. You are still my rock, even if I don't show it very often. We both know that I'm the ~~control freak~~ strong one in our family, but I get my strength from you. As you know, there was a time in this last year that I thought our marriage had seen its last days. You fought for us when I didn't have the energy to fight. That is something I thank you for because I'm a better person with you as my husband.

Here are 9 things I love about you more now than I did when we were married.

1. Your devotion to the kids and I.

2. Your tenacity in keeping our family together.

3. Your ability to make me laugh.

4. Your body.

5. How you strive to make things better for us every day.

6. Your willingness to keep our marriage going strong.

7. How you make me feel beautiful even when I know I'm not.

8. Your continual optimism (except about politics).

9. Your faith in us.

I love you. Happy anniversary.

xoxo

Casee

My husband's girlfriend

2009-01-22T09:49:00.003-07:00

There's this girl my husband works with, we call her her. I think she's like 20 or 21. Jack srsly dislikes her. If I was the insecure type, I would think that he really likes her, but covers up by saying how much he hates her. Since I'm not (and I know my husband), I know that he really doesn't like her. Here's the thing, she likes him. I know she does. She does things that are so blatantly obvious, that I can't believe he can't see it. Then again, he is a man.

Her happens to go to the same physical therapist that I go to. Apparently she asked the PT questions about me and then went to work and talked to Jack about it. I've already called the PT and asked him to not discuss me. I think that she asked about me, not b/c we have the same back problem, but b/c it's a reason to talk to Jack. Jack thinks I'm overreacting. I don't think so. I think that she likes him, even if she doesn't realize it.

He just can't accept that I'm right. Even if her doesn't plan on doing anything about it, she still wants him. I'm a woman; I know I'm right.

I just need to have him tell her to find something else to talk to him about. Maybe they should talk about puppies or rainbows. Or politics. That ought to do it.

[Oh and Jack? xoxo ;)]

Men are too easy

2009-01-16T09:54:00.004-07:00

My husband came home from a fishing trip on Monday. He came in the door, dropped his luggage (a suitcase and a backpack) by the front door, where it's been ever since.

On Tuesday, I took some stuff out of it and threw it in the washer. It was still about half full. Then Molly decided that it would make a good bed.

As I was sitting at my desk working this morning, Jack and I had this email exchange:

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:27 AM
To: Jack Bauer
Subject: I was just wondering...

Are you ever planning on moving your suitcase?

From: Jack Bauer [mailto:JackBauer@xxxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:37 AM
To: Casee
Subject: RE: I was just wondering...

Yes I am. I need to put me fishing pole and stuff away too.

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:42 AM
To: Jack Bauer
Subject: RE: I was just wondering...

Sorry. I already decided to take care of it. I hid your fishing poles.

From: Jack Bauer [mailto:JackBauer@xxxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:46 AM
To: Casee
Subject: RE: I was just wondering...

I had more that one pole???

Did you check and see if Molly was in it?? I was also leaving it there for her… it was like her 2nd bed…or 3rd, or 4th…etc…

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:49 AM
To: Jack Bauer
Subject: RE: I was just wondering...

Well, I should say that I hid the pieces. It was supposed to be in two pieces, right?

From: Jack Bauer [mailto:JackBauer@xxxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:50 AM
To: Casee
Subject: RE: I was just wondering...

No?!?!?!?

From: Casee [mailto:casee@xxxx.com]
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2009 9:52 AM
To: Jack Bauer
Subject: RE: I was just wondering...

whoops

New Diet Pepsi can

2009-01-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

I was just grabbing a Diet Pepsi out of the fridge when I noticed how much it looked like the beer can sitting next to it. I wonder if there will now be people pulled over for drinking Diet Pepsi and driving.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Living in Boise: The Traffic

2009-01-07T10:45:00.002-07:00

In an effort to get Holly to at least consider moving to Idaho, I decided I should probably point some things out that I actually like about living here.

More often than not, people generally complain about things more than they think about the good things. This is actually a good thing for me to do, because it makes me wonder why we moved here in the first place. This is going to be one good thing per post b/c I have to make up for all the bad things.

Onto the traffic...there is no traffic. On a normal day, the news will report that traffic is "slow" on the way downtown, when in fact it will only take me 30 minutes to get there. The next day when they say that traffic is moving along nicely, it still only takes me 30 minutes to get there. There may be stupid drivers here, but there is nothing remotely similar to California traffic. Oh yes, I remember what California traffic was like. Evil, evil, traffic. The commute is much less stressful here than it is in California. And that's good for your health.

From inside it doesn't seem as bad

2009-01-06T09:07:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I had the commute from hell. It usually takes me about 30 minutes to get the work. That includes being in what these crazy people call "traffic". Yesterday it took me an hour and a half. I was at a dead stop more often than not. Which sucked, but I'd rather be safe than sorry (*ahem*Jack). Still, I literally feel the tension in my body while I'm driving in snowy/icy conditions.

This is what it looks like outside my front door this morning. It's really not that bad when I'm looking from the inside out. I even let Jack take the 4Runner today, but only because I have my brother's car and only have to go 1/2 mile to pick the kids up.

A white Christmas

2008-12-22T09:01:00.005-07:00

Here are some pictures of the front of my house and down my street. It didn't stop snowing all day yesterday. Jack is obsessed with shoveling the driveway, God love him.

And here's a picture of the street.

Friday Night Lights

2008-12-19T09:18:00.004-07:00

I'm a huge TV watcher. When the writers strike was going on last year, I was lost. This year, several of my favorite shows are getting cancelled. Thankfully, Friday Night Lights isn't one of them. This is possibly the best show on TV. I'm not a football fan. In fact, I'm the furthest thing from a football fan. Yet I love this show that is basically about high school football in Texas. It also has an amazing cast, not to mention the best husband/wife duo on TV (possibly of all TV time). So if you're not watching this show, you're missing out.

Kyle Chandler is pretty fierce. Not to mention smokin' hot.

Only three (or was it two?) episodes left this season.

More winter fun

2008-12-17T14:37:00.001-07:00

I know, I live in Idaho. Snow should be expected. What can I say? I'm a California girl at heart, though it's not much better there.

Like I told my sister the other day, it's fine when you're looking at it from inside your home. It's going out with it that's the problem.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

F me

2008-12-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Winter has obviously arrived.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

My new work space

2008-12-16T10:29:00.002-07:00

I work at home two days a week. Usually that work was done sitting on the couch or at the kitchen table. That definitely wasn't helping my back pain. So I ordered a new desk and today is my first day using it for work. I'm super excited. I have a ton of stuff blocked at work (Twitter, .blogspot, Live Journal, just to name a few). Now on the two days I'm at home, I get to use my laptop for work and the home computer for fun. w00t!

Gas

2008-12-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

I just filled my 4Runner up for $24.94. w00t!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Effing winter

2008-11-24T14:48:00.003-07:00

Most people that know me know that I don't like winter. When we moved from Sacramento to Boise, I thought I would do fine w/ the cold b/c I've never had a problem with it before. It's really not the cold I don't like, but more a combination of cold, snow, and less daylight hours. In January, it won't get light until after 8am and then it will get dark by 5pm.

I don't really like that. I don't mind the cold if it's sunny b/c I don't have to be out in the cold.

This is a picture from the front of my house on Saturday. Yes, that is snow. I really want to move to Hawaii.

My Amazon.com Shopping Cart

2008-11-17T10:43:00.003-07:00

I usually like Amazon's recommendations to me based on my purchases. I've found several good books through that feature. I got some very strange recommendations today. I checked my Shopping Cart and lookey what I found:

Shopping Cart for Casee (If you're not Casee, click here.)

subtotal = $483.92
Make any changes below?

Shopping Cart Items--To Buy Now Price: Qty:
Item added on November 12, 2008
50 First Dates [Blu-ray] - Adam Sandler; Blu-ray
In Stock

Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping

Add gift-wrap/note (Learn more) $17.99
You Save:
$10.96 (38%)

Item added on November 12, 2008
Top Gun [Blu-ray] - Tom Cruise; Blu-ray
In Stock

Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping

Add gift-wrap/note (Learn more) $18.99
You Save:
$11.00 (37%)

Item added on November 12, 2008
Transformers (Two-Disc Special Edition + BD Live) [Blu-ray] - Shia LaBeouf; Blu-ray
In Stock

Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping

Add gift-wrap/note (Learn more) $19.99
You Save:
$20.00 (50%)

Item added on November 12, 2008
Casino Royale (Two-Disc Collector's Edition + BD Live) [Blu-ray] - Daniel Craig; Blu-ray
In Stock

Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping

Add gift-wrap/note (Learn more) $26.99
You Save:
$11.97 (31%)

Item added on November 12, 2008
Playstation 3 Metal Gear Solid 4 Gray Kojima Bundle - Konami; Video Game
In Stock

Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping

Add gift-wrap/note (Learn more) $399.96
You Save:
$50.03 (11%)

So I can't decide if he was just hopeful that I wouldn't notice next time I placed an order or what.

Husband Pet Peeve #1

2008-11-10T19:05:00.002-07:00

There are many pet peeves I have about various things in life. Some things I'm able to just shrug off, some things drive me absolutely batty. My husband takes the prize for being able to drive me absolutely crazy.

I'm a huge recycler. I recycle my empty toilet paper rolls. So I always recycle catalogs that come in the mail, junk mail, etc. One thing I hate doing (along with laundry and cleaning bathrooms) is going through the mail. Our kitchen island is like a huge junkyard of unopened mail. I try to go through it as I get it, but that doesn't happen very often. Of course my husband rarely looks through the mail unless he sees a magazine or ad for Cabelas. When I finally go through the mail, I make piles. My recycle pile, my bill pile, and my shred pile. What drives me crazy is that AFTER I finally go through it, he decides that he needs to go through it, too. He goes through all my piles and then tries to talk to me about certain things.

What I want to know is that if he's going to go through it, can't he do it before I do? It would save me some major aggravation. I think it's a man thing.

I wish I had it this easy

2008-11-04T14:30:00.000-07:00

While I've been working hard from home today (heh), this is how Molly has spent the last 6 hours.

She hasn't moved except to lick her bum. She won't move until Jack gets home. When he walks in the door, she'll meow him to death.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Me, My Sister, and Metallica

2008-11-03T19:22:00.004-07:00

Jack and I flew to Portland on Saturday morning to go see the Metallica concert. It was, hands down, the best concert I've ever been to. It was amazing.

In all the concerts I've been to, there has been ONE opening band. Metallica had two. In a moment of extreme blondness, I thought the 2nd band was Metallica for about two songs. When Metallica actually came on, I felt even more stupid.

The beer was flowing freely. Jack had so much that he got sick after we got back to my sister's house. He blames his sickness on some phantom that pushed him out of the car when we got there. I felt really bad for him, though. The next day I mentioned to my sister that I didn't think we drank that much. She told me that when the beer is free, you don't really pay attention to how much you're drinking. How right she was. LOL

We had such a great time, even though it was a quick trip. The travel was relatively easy since we were w/o kids. Like I've said before, anytime we go visit over there, I want to move there. This trip was no exception.

This is a picture of me and my sister. You can't tell we're related, can you?

Wtf

2008-10-31T16:13:00.001-06:00

I have a pet peeve when it comes to the correct usage of certain words. You know, there/their/they're, etc.

So tell me, does this look right? I'm thinking about sending an email to the radio station to tell them what fucking idiots they are.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Happy Monday

2008-10-27T09:46:00.001-06:00

There's nothing like starting a Monday off by spilling burning hot coffee all over your hands. I can't decide what's worse, the burning of my hands or the fact that I just spilled about $1 worth of a $4 coffee.

The coolest wine bottle ever.

2008-10-23T19:47:00.001-06:00

Cheers Holly!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

My husband loves me this much

2008-10-22T10:04:00.001-06:00

Everytime we go to my sister's house, he always goes with her to the meat market. I think it's become their "thing". My sister reminded me of this lovely picture that Jack took and sent to me while he was there last time. It's a little blurry, but you get the point.

Srsly

2008-10-21T14:59:00.000-06:00

If I wanted to convert my family, would I let Kelsey eat this?

Men and their meat

2008-10-21T09:27:00.004-06:00

There are few things outside of my family that I am passionate about. One of the things I feel very strongly about is my vegetarianism. I've been a vegetarian for over a year. At first, I would still cook meat for the rest of the family. That didn't last long. While I will buy meat, I won't cook it. Sometimes I plan meals where Jack and cook and throw meat in it. Sometimes I don't. I'm very contentious about making a well balanced meal even without the meat. Since I'm usually the one that cooks, I have to make sure that Will and Kelsey are getting the protein and other nutrients they need. It's surprisingly easy...if I'm not lazy about it.

Over the last six months or so, I've toyed with the idea of becoming vegan. I really don't think I'd be able to do that b/c it's that much harder to plan meals, go out to restaurants, and buy food. I buy almost all organic dairy products. We add the word "happy" in front of all our dairy products b/c I buy cage free, vegetarian fed, "happy animal" products. It can be more expensive, but as it's something I feel strongly about, that is not an issue for me.

I have never, ever tried to get any of my family to go vegetarian. Ever. I've never asked Jack to stop eating meat. I've never told Will or Kelsey that they're not having more meat. Not only would I have a revolt, but it's a personal choice and I'm not going to force it on anyone. So the fact that Jack and I got in a heated discussion in the organic section at the grocery store last night, boggles the mind.

While some people think that cutting out meat will make you lose a ton of weight, that's incorrect. Not eating meat means that you will probably eat more cheese, pasta, etc. I try to limit my intake of those things, but it is difficult. At the store last night, I got some dairy-free cream "cheese" and mentioned that I'd like to go vegan in some things. For both health reasons and personal beliefs. I swear to God, you would have thought that I told Jack that he was never having another steak in his life. I still get steamed when I think about it. I have never asked him to go vegetarian, yet he basically tells me that he accepts my food weirdness, but there is no way in hell he's going vegan. Excuse me. Have I ever asked you at any time to give up meat? No, I haven't.

I was also told that I'm going over the top w/ not wanting to use animal-tested products. Hello? If I start donating money to PETA and making our kids watch the videos posted on their site, I would give him permission to tell me that I'm over the top. Hello, one of my best friends does testing on animals to cure diseases. You'll never see me boycotting in front of her building.

After that, I tried to get him to buy some steaks for himself and the kids and he wouldn't. Hey, I tried.

Grocery Shopping

2008-10-20T13:13:00.002-06:00

There is little in life that I despise more than grocery shopping. I hate it. I hate making the list that you have to make or you spend twice as much w/ only half of what you really needed. I hate bagging the produce. I hate the little brats that run around like maniacs b/c their mom's aren't paying attention to what they're doing. I hate taking the groceries out of the cart at the check-out stand. I hate putting the groceries in the car and I hate unloading them when I get home.

I pretty much hate everything about it.

The only thing that makes it a little bit bearable is when I go without kids. Sometimes I like having Jack along, sometimes I'd rather not. Since I've hurt my back, I can't really lift the bags of groceries, therefore I can't go by myself. So when I would have been able to go by myself on Saturday, I couldn't. It's really been a pain in the arse.

So today after I go to my physical therapy appointment, I get to go grocery shopping w/ Jack. My mother has kindly agreed to pick up the kids so we can get through the shopping faster. I really should be making a list, but I decided to blog about why I hate grocery shopping instead.

I am not a procrastinator.

Why I love fall

2008-10-20T08:19:00.000-06:00

Jack & his glass

2008-10-13T15:33:00.002-06:00

Jack and I have been married for about 9 years (he's the older man). In our entire marriage, he has been the glass half-full type of person to my glass half-empty.

He's gone and changed on me. So to compensate, I have to be the half-full person. Which doesn't work very well for me.

So what happened Jack? Too much fighting terrorism? Saving the world six times just too much for you?

You know I love you. That's why I am going to tell you what you told me when I was sick as hell w/ our Princess (aka Cheeks): Get over it.

Better and Better

2008-10-10T19:43:00.002-06:00

My mom just sent me this picture taken from her kitchen window.

Srsly

2008-10-10T14:48:00.001-06:00

It's 2:48 and I just got home from picking the kids up from school. It's 40 degrees (F) outside.

If you hear a loud sound, it's me sobbing.

The Dentist & Cheeks

2008-10-09T11:37:00.009-06:00

Whenever we have a dentist appointment to take the kids to, I always remember the five hellish days following Cheeks' birth. Since she was my 2nd, I was raring to go and wanted to get out of the hospital as soon as they would let us go. I had gotten the ok from my doctor, all we needed was the Pediatrician to sign off that Cheeks was good to go.

But he didn't.

When listening to her heart, he heard a murmur which means a ton of tests and a visit from the Pediatric Cardiologist who would look at the ultrasounds and determine the course of action. I had major post-partum w/ Cheeks and didn't take it well when I was told that my daughter had a hole in her heart. I didn't care how small it is. It's a hole. In her heart. And at that time, it was somehow my fault. It was the medication I took when I was too sick to get out of bed. I missed my pre-natal vitamins one too many times.

To this day, I thank God for her Pediatrician. When we took her in two days after we got home, he gave Jack and I the best advice I've ever gotten (aside from taping her mouth shut). He told us not to treat her like she was fragile b/c she wasn't. He eased my fears and made me realize that this was not anything that had to do w/ me. It just was what it was. It wasn't something that was going to affect her life at all. Well, except in one small way.

The dentist.

For the four years that he was her Pediatrician (until we moved), he was adamant about the fact that she get anti-biotics before any dental procedure. Though it was unlikely, there was a small chance that she could get an infection in her heart and die. Okay then. So we were religious about it. Even when the dentist told us that she didn't need it (wtf?), we still did it.

Then, less than a year ago, we were told that the American Heart Association came out with new research that says antibiotics aren't needed. This wasn't taken well. So we called her old Pediatrician even though it had been two years since he'd seen her. He confirmed what Cheeks' doctor, cardiologist, and dentist said. So we don't give her antibiotics anymore.

Still, anytime she has a dental appointment, I think about those five days and how terrifying they were. This morning when I was brushing her hair (it was a sneak attack), I was thinking about those days and told myself that no matter how hard it gets with her, no matter how much I want to ship her off to my sister's house, we are so lucky to have her.

Winter has arrived

2008-10-08T09:01:00.004-06:00

I've been saying that winter is coming since August. Winter is not something I look forward to. I've been dreading winter since June.

Do you see that SNOWFLAKE in the picture?? There's a 40% chance of rain/light snow. It's mother-bleeping OCTOBER!

Winter has arrived. Kill me now.

It's a man thing

2008-10-07T14:18:00.003-06:00

Jack and I own three cars. I have a 4Runner, Jack has a Tacoma, and we have a Honda Civic that is my commuter. About a year ago when gas prices started going up, we decided to get a commuter. It gets about 40mpg (when I drive it as instructed by His Highness). 40mpg is waaay better than the barely 20mpg I get in my 4Runner. Unfortunately, I'm trading mpg for luxury and comfort. Anything is more comfortable than the Civic. A bicycle is more comfortable.

Since I hurt my back (finally found out it's a disc), I haven't been driving the Civic b/c it's that uncomfortable. I was driving the 4Runner for awhile, then I realized that Jack's truck is actually more comfortable. So for the past two weeks, I've been driving the truck. Jack usually drives whatever vehicle is convenient. For example, yesterday we left at the same time, so he took the 4Runner. Today, I work from home, so since his truck was blocking the 4Runner in, he took the car.

I get the kids off to school on Tuesday b/c I work from home. So Jack tells us goodbye and about 10 minutes later, I follow the kids outside where they're getting their bikes ready. And who hasn't left yet? Jack hasn't left yet. In fact, the Civic wouldn't start b/c the battery was dead (we haven't driven it for about 3 weeks).

A little back story is in order here to get the full impact. My aunt taught me to drive a 5-speed in her VW Rabbit when I was 16. To say it wasn't a very reliable car is an understatement. I can't even remember how many times I had to ask strangers to push the car so I could pop the clutch. Needless to say, by the end of that summer, I was an expert at popping the clutch.

Jack knows this b/c my aunt and I reminisce from time to time, laughing, b/c now it's funny. So this morning when the car wouldn't start, instead of coming to get me, he tried to push the car, jump in, then pop the clutch. All by himself. After that was unsuccessful, he told himself the reason that it didn't work is b/c you can't pop the clutch while in reverse. Conveniently forgetting that the last time this happened, that's exactly how we started it. Again, instead of coming to get me, he gets out the jumper cables and a spare battery and gets the car started.

Because Jack is a stickler for being on time to work and he was already late as it was, I decided that it must be a man thing. Right Jack?

Bleeping Road Work in Boise

2008-10-06T14:39:00.003-06:00

This is a picture of what I was looking at this morning on my way to work. Notice that I'm under a bridge. I hate being stopped under (or on) bridges. Like if there's something I'm scared of, that's it. The point is, there was no need for me to be stuck under the bridge (or in what is referred to as "traffic" here). [side note: Jack, you really need to do some inside cleaning.]

There is one freeway that goes into Downtown Boise. Instead of doing any road work AT NIGHT (wtf), they pretend they're going to do it in the morning. So what do they do? They setup signs starting 6 miles ahead of the actual lane closure. SIX MILES!

So you have all these people getting out of the left lane when there is no bleeping need to get out of the left lane b/c it doesn't close for six bleeping miles. Bleep! That 2nd picture is pretty good considering I just pointed and clicked.

So I was stuck in traffic when there was no need to be stuck in traffic. Then when I got to the actual lane closure, guess what? No bleeping workers! Yep, that's right. So bleep you Idaho Department of Transportation.

Why I love my plant

2008-09-30T20:01:00.004-06:00

Jack went out of town today for work and I've already heard "I want daddy" more times than I can count. So I decided to be happy for the little things. Things such as making my plant come back to life.

Here it is at 8am before I watered it:

Here it is at 12pm:

The only thing I can kill and bring back to life. And here's Molly the cat, wondering what the hell I am doing.

Why?

2008-09-25T13:52:00.002-06:00

Why do women wear so much perfume it feels like you're choking on it as you walk through the hallway?

I work in a huge office building which houses many different companies. When I walked out of my office and down the hall, it smelled like my grandma's house used to smell. I could taste it, it was so freaking overpowering.

Obviously the person wearing all that perfume goodness doesn't work for the same company I do. If she does, she ignored the email we received yesterday titled "Fragrances".

Unspectacular Things About Me

2008-09-24T13:58:00.002-06:00

I got this from Larissa's blog and since I'm bored at work, here we are.

The rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. List 6 unspectacular quirks you have.
4. Tag 6 bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each person’s blog to let them know they’ve been tagged.

1. After I vacuum, I don't like rolling up the cord. I just leave the vacuum there until my husband sees it and does it. I think it's just an unspoken understanding. I don't ask him to do it and he doesn't ask me WTF.

2. When I take off my shoes, I put them next to the shoe closet, not in it.

3. I won't (ever) drink out of the same cup as my kids. I'll give them my drink, but I won't share. I usually don't share w/ my husband either, but I'm getting better about that.

4. I always hold the remote when we're watching DVR b/c he always goes too far.

5. When I'm reading, I never stop reading in the middle of a page. Ever.

6. I only have crushed ice when I'm drinking Crystal Light.

Listed all together, these unspectacular things make me look a bit strange. And that's not a question.

Things you see in Boise #1

2008-09-24T08:36:00.003-06:00

All the strange things I see while driving that make me think "Only in effing Boise" have made me want so share. Now that my Blackberry actually has a camera (w00t!), I can take pictures while driving. Yes, I know it's not the safest thing to do, but I live in Boise, remember?

This one is by far the smallest one I've seen on the road. Just wait until I show you one taking up two lanes on a two lane road. I know you can't wait.

I'm almost 30

2008-09-24T08:33:00.004-06:00

Or so my sister says.

I've never heard myself described as almost 30 before. Even though I'm 27, it still feels like 30 is a long way off. Which is weird, b/c I feel so much older than 30.

The weekend was great. There was a football game (which I usually don't like), Nordstrom Rack, IKEA, and two birthday parties.

Oh and we want to move to Vancouver, WA.

Living in Boise: Trash Day

2008-09-18T09:02:00.000-06:00

I think the thing that surprised me the most when we moved here was how the garbage wo/men will take anything. And when I say anything, I mean anything. Do you have a recliner that isn't worth putting on craigslist? No worries. Just set it on the sidewalk beside your garbage can on Tuesday. Do you have a box that your 60" TV came in? No worries. Just set it out w/ your garbage. Though I've never actually seen anyone leave an old toilet or refrigerator out, I'm sure they'd take that too.

So even though the commute to work sucks, at least the garbage wo/men make my life easier.

Sisters

2008-09-17T11:47:00.005-06:00

Only my sister could get me to drive seven hours with a 7 y/o, a 6 y/o, and this man.

I’ve put the drive time out of my mind. I get to see my sister (and nephews) tomorrow night! w00t!

I tried to add a picture, but it didn't fucking work. It might just be b/c I'm at work. If I remember, I'll try to add it from home.

Jack Bauer watching football

2008-09-15T21:44:00.008-06:00

When Jack Bauer watches football while drinking beer, he thinks it's funny to slap himself in the chest to see the hand marks. He also fluffs his chest hair so it looks better in the picture.

He also tries to talk me into slapping him on the back and when I don't agree, he tries to swing his arm around to slap himself. I think he dislocated his shoulder.

He wants to make sure I let everyone know that the cause of this is football.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate football?

ETA: This is NOT a porn blog!

It's not because I'm blonde. Srsly.

2008-09-15T13:34:00.003-06:00

The weekend before last, I did a complete overhaul of Cheeks' room. My parents had taken both kids camping, so I decided it was the perfect time to get rid of things she'll never know are missing. It was splendid. Until I hurt my mother-f-ing back. When I first started feeling pain, I attributed it to PMS. I generally get backaches w/ my period, so I just took a couple Midol and moved a six drawer dresser and carried the vacuum up the stairs (among other things). It was only when I woke last Monday that I realized that it's not PMS related and I'm fucked. I could not sit down, I couldn't walk, I couldn't do anything. So what did I do? I drove to work. Maybe that part was a little blondish.

After visiting the Chiropractor on Monday and again on Tuesday, I realized I couldn't take it anymore. My doctor couldn't see me that late on Tuesday, so I went to one of those Urgent Care clinics. They're everywhere here in the Boise area. All I wanted was some pain meds. That's it. Since I was planning on seeing my own doctor, I didn't really care about anything else. All I knew was that I had been in pain for more than 48 hours straight. I would cry when I had to get up from the couch (or the floor). I couldn't even empty the effing dishwasher (which is wonderful, but not). The doctor gave me muscle relaxers and let me tell you...they relaxed me. Oh did they relax me.

So on Wednesday, Jack and I had an appointment, which we had to leave early b/c I could barely keep my eyes open. I also wasn't very coherent. This is what I asked Jack on the way home:

"Do you think I feel tired b/c the muscle relaxers are relaxing my eyelids?"

And that I can blame on the muscle relaxers, not my blondness.

Do you swear to tell the truth

2008-09-09T12:00:00.004-06:00

the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Waaaay back in March I was a witness to a horrific car accident. I wasn't surprised that the drivers involved were men. Whoever says that women are worse drivers than men don't know what they're talking about. Anyway, I was behind the truck that eventually rolled over three or four times, ejecting the driver. Both drivers involved were charged with reckless driving. Lucky for me, I am the only witness and have been subpoenaed to testify.

Ever since I received the subponea, I've had nightmares of something like Law & Order meets Eli Stone.

Oh and when the accident happened, the guy that was ejected asked someone to call his wife. So I called her using my cell phone. The wife has since given my number to about 142 lawyers and insurance companies. I finally had to let Jack handle it b/c I'm so nice that I would talk to anyone. He just told them to read my witness statement. I guess I haven't watched enough Law & Order.

Not mad enough

2008-09-04T16:53:00.003-06:00

I was so freaking mad when I left work today that I thought about going on a run when I got home.

I thought about it for 2 minutes.

I think I'll have a beer instead.

Boise Drivers

2008-09-03T17:01:00.000-06:00

Before moving to Boise, I didn't consider myself as a person who would be prone to road rage. That was before I moved to the land of people-that-don't-know-how-to-fucking-drive.

I work in downtown Boise, which is about a 30 minute commute. I've learned to just accept how idiotic these drivers are, but there are days like today when I wish I could just give another car a friendly nudge w/ my car.

First of all, these mofos drive in the fast lane while going over the speed limit. And they don't get out of the way. Anywhere in California if someone comes up behind you in the fast lane and you don't get the hell out of the way, lights are flashing and there's a little horn blowing. At the beginning, I flashed my lights, but then I got sick of getting flipped off. So I usually just go around them. There are the a-holes that speed up, which really pisses me off.

I've recently noticed a new driving trend. Pulling out in front of me. I generally don't care if someone pulls out in front of me as long as they accelerate quickly enough so I don't have to slam on my brakes or rear end them. These drivers have a lot of faith b/c they pull out no matter what.

I'm disappointed to say that I think Jack is going to turn into a Boise driver. I haven't decided what I should do about that.

Test Blog

2008-08-29T08:40:00.000-06:00

Casee thinks Holly is the most wonderful, amazing, kind, sweet, adorable person in the whole entire world and is so super glad to have her as a BFF.

*g*